Sunday, 14 February 2016

I want to live!

I am so fed up. Why do I have to be trapped in this endless cycle?
Once again, I am at the darkest part. I can see nothing but blackness. I am floating through each day, without out feeling any real connection to anything or anyone. Every day just blurs and passes on to the next and the next. There is no light on the horizon, no spark at the end of the tunnel, no silver lining, nothing. There is nothing beyond my own bubble of black misery.
How many times have I been here now? How many times have I dragged myself out of this place? How many times have I been doing really well, only to slip right down to the bottomless pit of depression? Again and again and again. What is the point?
Nothing seems to change, nothing makes a significant difference. No, that’s not right. Nothing makes a lasting difference. I have no energy or fight left in me. Yet I am desperate to have a life. I don’t want to be just existing, just this shell of a person drifting from day to day. I want to be the mum my kids deserve. Not this broken, useless thing that tries to be present to their wants and needs, but fails at every turn. I want to be the daughter my parents deserve, not this useless burden, relying on them for everything and not capable of helping or giving anything in return.
I want to be a useful person in society, not this benefit dependent leech, this drain on society, with no income of my own. Who would employ me? I certainly wouldn’t. Who would want such an unstable, unpredictable person who will always end up on sick notes and draining your profits, with nothing to show for it? I guess I’m afraid. Afraid of letting people down. Afraid of becoming a financial burden on a company paying me to be on permanent sick leave; where each of my jobs has always ended up.
The worst of this is that I am imprisoned in this horrendous place, not by society or family or friends. No, the only person I have to blame for my predicament, is myself. I am the one with such expectations of what I should be doing. I am the one who seems to ignite a self-destruct fuse every time it looks like I am anywhere near the verge of feeling content with my life. I am the one who puts up barriers to prevent me from doing things I should or want to be doing. Why though? When I wouldn’t dream of doing that to another living creature, is my subconscious content to allow me to inflict this on myself? Why do I seem to have no control? I have all of the tools, knowledge and understanding, learnt from years of 1:1 therapy, plus mentalization and mindfulness groups work, so why am I still stuck?
Why is it that all I can manage to do is wake up each day, eat, drink, have the TV on some show that I can’t concentrate on and then repeat the next day and the next. Is this what my life is going to be like from now on? I have so many ideas and hopes and dreams of things I could be doing; to earn money (making cards, jewellery, ‘the dummy fairy’ story, calligraphy) things I could be doing around the house to help my parents, or to be there for my kids. I have all the ideas, but none of the drive or motivation to achieve anything. It is pathetic to think that just having a shower and getting out of my pj’s at the moment is a humungous achievement. I look at other parents and families and I’m just so jealous. I’m jealous of all the school runs they do without thinking, when for me it is a massive deal to do one morning a week. I am envious of all the posts I read on facebook of parents having fun with their kids; at the park, baking cakes, anything really, when all I seem able to do is sit on the sofa and watch.
I grieve for the loss of myself! I once was a full time primary teacher. I had a house of my own, a husband and hobbies, that I actually did and enjoyed. Slowly over the years that person has been killed off, little by little with each turn in the depression cycle. I no longer recognise the person I have become as ‘me’. I just feel like an empty vessel; exhausted of all useful substance, completely barren and isolated from the world.

I pray so hard for a way forward. A way out of this endless misery. I crave that motivation and spark that I miss so much. I don’t want to just exist anymore. I want to live! But how?