Sunday, 25 May 2014

What is wrong with me?!?

I 'm feeling so disappointed with myself!
I have got a whole week, kiddie free (they're spending half term with their dad, on holiday) and so far, I have done NOTHING!
Why, why WHY!?!
What is wrong with me?
I have all of these big projects that need doing and even some little ones, but as yet, my motivation has not appeared! I am totally ashamed of myself!
What is it going to take to get me off my big butt and into action?
I must be the world's most lazy and selfish person, ever!
I have got to get my self together, I have been so excited about these projects - especially sorting out Little Misses bedroom, so what is stopping me?
I am amazing at making all of the lists and getting things for the projects, so why can't I just get on with it? I mean, I am writing this as another form of 'avoidance' - bad me, bad, bad, bad!
Ok, I can do this! I am going to get off my lazy bum and do something, anything! As long as it involves not sitting on the sofa watching the telly, or 'killing time' on my laptop!
Move it, move it MOVE IT!!!

Wednesday, 14 May 2014

Another day zero project completed

Yesterday, I decided that we were going to do our 'Tie a message to a balloon and let it go' challenge, though it didn't go quite as planned ;-)
To start with, I forgot that it could jut be a note, so we did wishes instead! Plus, my mum had the genius idea of putting out wishes inside the balloons, so then they stay waterproof, so we did that too!

 Little Man and I had to chose a wish for Little Miss. He had some great suggestions like 'have a strawberry' but I think the final, 'have a finished bedroom' was a winner in the end - no hidden agenda of course ;-)

Here we all are, ready with Auntie Charlotte, to release our wishes
 Then, to our dismay, they all dropped like they were full of lead! I don't think it was windy enough, so I was going to save them for a windier day. However, Little Man thought as one of them popped, he would help ensure that the rest of them popped too! I found all our folded up wishes and took them inside for another day. Then I had a weird conversation with my mum who said that some big company had been intending to release loads of balloons in celebration of some achievement / anniversary and had put it off after an environment group emailed them explaining the damage it would cause to birds and wildlife! I had never even considered the impact of burst balloons ending up in water ways or worse being eaten by an animal or bird that then choked on it! So I had another think! I decided that a good alternative would be to burn them! That way, minimum damage to environment - as the fire would be teeny!
Well, half a box of matches later, I finally managed to light our 4 wishes! Then we watched them float away in the smoke, hoping that one day they might come true :-)

Friday, 2 May 2014

H is for Heartbroken

So, today has not been a great day.
The weather outside is dark and overcast and my mood has reflected this! I have been mooching around in my jammies, ever since I got up (I have no idea what time that was) and I've just been in this 'fug' ever since!
I can't really concentrate and have been blubbing on and off ever since Little Miss went off with her dad for the night. I've been looking at the TV shows and not really knowing what's going on, not really taking anything in. I've read all of my e-mails and been pinning loads of things onto Pinterest for about an hour now, but I don't think I could actually recall what I pinned!
I gave up on watching TV shows and put on some background music and it was when they suddenly switched to love songs (again, no idea what was playing before!) that it suddenly hit me! I was sat listening to Richard Marx sing 'Right here Waiting' - it was Our Song, and it just made me cry even more! That was when I finally worked out, the reason that everything was going rubbish and I have been crying on and off for no reason, is that I'm heartbroken!
My ex came and spent some time with our kids, here, in my house, yesterday, because it was his birthday. I now realise that this was a huge mistake. I should never have let that happen. I should have insisted that he took the kids out, or to his place. Having him, here, as if nothing had ever happened, laughing and joking around has just made me realise that I miss that. I miss having someone to share my life with. I miss having someone who loves me and my kids above all else. I realised how alone I have been feeling lately. I feel as if there is no hope of me ever finding anyone who will love me, as I am mentally ill, and who would want to see past that and get to know me, the real me? I feel hollow and empty. I guess this is what happens when you break up with your first ever love. Because that's what he was. He was my first real boyfriend and now he's gone. He's gone and my heart is shattered.