Thursday, 29 December 2011

Thoughts for 2011 and hopes for 2012

So, as Christmas has passed and time is marching towards 2012, it got me thinking about things that have happened over the year, and what I'm hoping for next year.

Overall, 2011 has been quite a hard year for me and my hubby.

The start of the year was pretty pants. I was still trying to do supply teaching, whilst coping with severe depression. Luckily I came to my senses around Easter time and finally made the huge step and left teaching.

My depression spiralled out of control. I had my meds upped from 20 to 30 and was having psychology. However, from when I was assessed in February, to when I actually got seen in June / July, I had already managed to get myself on the path to 'normal me' again - so yay me for that! Psychology has now given me the tools I need to spot signs that things might be getting bad again and I have a plan to follow, if needed.

During the bad 5 months, we were also living back with my parents and trying to sort out and clear out our old house ready for selling - this took until Easter!! I think my depression was so bad and having a hubby that works nights, made it all take so much longer than we had hoped.

I was unemployed for 3 months - which was really scary, as I went straight from Uni straight into a job.  I doubted myself, I thought I was good for nothing and that I would be unemployed for ever!!

However, August - November were brilliant!
I got a job working as a waitress and I love it! The people I work with are so nice and it's a real team-effort in everything.
My brother-in-law had a baby and got married.
We have had 2 lovely holidays as a family - one week in Okehampton and one in the New Forest.
My little man is benefiting so much from living back with my parents - and I think they love having him -  except when he decides that he wants to see them very early in the morning!! Heehee (his routine is now; get into bed with me and drink his cup of milk. Then he either goes back to sleep in his bed, or goes and wakes up Grannie, depending on his mood and the time of day, heehee!)
I launched my own tiny business called 'Happy Crafting' to benefit me and charity. I haven't made loads yet, but I know I will soon ;)

Unfortunately the year ends in tragedy with the loss of my little Pip. I have now nearly completed miscarrying and hope that it won't last that much longer. I will always see the 19th Dec as the day I lost Pip, even thought I didn't actually have the proper miscarriage until x-mas eve (we didn't know at the time, until the docs explained whilst I was in hospital) In my mind, I had already lost Pip and was therefore so much more prepared for the inevitable, when I found out that it hadn't actually occurred yet. She (I had already started to dream about her) will always have a place in my heart.

So, with much joy and sadness this year, I have started to look forward to 2012 and here's what I have decided to try and achieve:

I really want to get into shape and loose another dress size. I have lots of exercise DvDs and my Wii fit plus, so the plan is to get my butt in gear and work hard!!!

I want to have a huge clear and tidy out. I want to clear out all the rubbish and crap that seems to have taken root in our living room and bedroom - and maybe help my mum in her living room and the spare bedroom.
Then I plan to sort through my clothes and DvDs and little man's clothes and toys ready for storing, selling or to go to charity.

I am going to try my best to make enough bags and cards to actually have a stall at a craft fair and make some money :)

I would like at some point (maybe around Feb / March time) start trying to get pregnant again.
I know I'm not at all ready now, nor will I be in January. I said my goodbye, but I want some breathing space before trying again. I'm also really nervous that I will miscarry again, but I have to have a little faith and hope for the best - what is meant to be, will be.

So, it will be interesting to look back in a few months time and see how I'm doing ;)

Sunday, 25 December 2011

Not quite the x-mas eve I expected, but hooray for Christmas Day!

So I spent yesterday (x-mas Eve), in the Sonning / Hurley ward at the Royal Berks hospital :(
I started to have immense pains in my tummy, was lots of blood on my pad (sorry tmi) and felt very dizzy and feint at about 1am. Hubby was out (and his phone died, so I couldn't get hold of him!)
I was talking gibberish (think I was totally delirious!), had managed to get to mum and dad's room, so mum phoned out of hours doc and he came out to me. Eventually I managed to get off the floor for the doc to examine me. He said that I needed to go to hospital and went off to phone for the ambulance.
Hubby came home to find the doc sat in the drive, then to be told that I was being sent to hospital :(

The paramedics were lovely on the journey to hospital and made me feel much better.
We thought that the miscarriage had just got to a bad point, however, when I was examined by the consultant, he said that it was only a possible miscarriage, as my cervix (or something like that) was still closed!!! This got me thinking, where's all the blood since Monday been coming from then??? They can't do scans on the weekend, so they took some bloods and gave me pain killers.
They set me up in a bed and the nurses and docs were all brilliant. I chatted to two lovely ladies in between sleeping and was finally let out at 8pm. I have to go back to hospital on Monday for another blood test and on Wednesday for a scan.

Once home, I spent a lovely evening with my parents and in-laws (hubby and big bro had gone to the x-mas eve curry night) then blood started coming much faster and there were huge clots (sorry again tmi) so we phoned the hospital, as they wanted to know if things got worse again (I don't think they would have let me out, if it hadn't been x-mas day today!) they told me to wait an hour and if it didn't slow, I would have to phone again  and maybe go back to hospital. Thankfully it eventually started to slow down!

So that was probably the worst x-mas eve ever. But, today has been lovely! Little man got us at about 6.30 and we 'rested' and tried to get him back to sleep for an hour, before giving up and opening his pillowcase of pressies from Santa, and stocking from Grannie. His favourite was a Lightning McQueen, that you shake, out down, and then it zooms off!

Little man has been so lucky with all of his new pressies! We've played with his new train set, played his new Fireman Sam 'puter', read new books and he danced along to the singing cuddly dog he got from great nan. He's tried some x-mas dinner - apparently sprouts are 'yukky'! but he liked the carrots and turkey :)

He's now upstairs for a well needed nap and hubby has gone back to bed as well ;)

So, I wanted to end by saying a huge thank you and merry Christmas to all the staff in Sonning / Hurley ward, Royal Berks hospital in Reading, and I hope that the lovely lady who had to stay, gets better really soon and can go home to her family!

Friday, 23 December 2011

I am really trying hard

I'm really trying hard to keep cheerful and positive, especially around little man. I think that he knows something isn't right, as he went straight into my parents room with his milk, instead of coming into my bedroom like he usually does. He's also giving me a little space and playing with Grandad a lot more today - I spent all morning with him watching cbeebies panto and Disney junior! I'm still amazed at how aware he is already.

I tend to have my little cry in the shower of all places!!
I 'm trying to keep my tears to myself, as hubby doesn't like it when I cry, and if I cry in front of mum, she starts crying too!!
I just know that bottling up this pain, won't help. So I'm really proud of how strong I've managed to be around other people.

I hope the pain and blood (sorry gross) stops soon!! At least I've been signed off for a week now, so that should give my emotions and body a bit of time to adjust and get back to normal.

I'm not sure how to get through Christmas though. I don't think I'm the best company and trying to 'put on a happy face' is a lot harder than I thought!!

Monday, 19 December 2011

Goodbye Pip, I love you loads

So, I knew that it was going to happen and now it has started.
Fate has decided that Pip wasn't meant to be, so I started to miscarry this morning.
I am glad that I got to see Pip on the scan and even though 'she' was only with me a few weeks I already adore 'her'.
Pip will always be in my heart and my thoughts.
I love you Pip.

Friday, 16 December 2011

Needs a Christmas Miracle

After finding out that we were pregnant, I started to spot the other day which increased to some blood on Weds. We went for a scan today to see if everything was ok and it wasn't as straight forward as we hoped. They had to do an internal scan, as they couldn't see anything. It showed that something was there, but not the size of a 6 week pregnancy that we thought I was. We've been told that my dates could be wrong (I have no idea how long my cycle is!) and that we aren't as far along as we thought. The other possibility is that I'm miscarrying.
We have a 50/50 chance, so I need a miracle!
I don't want to loose this baby, I already feel so attached (have nicknamed it 'pip') have had so many symptoms of being pregnant, so that must be a good sign right?
I won't find out now until 30th December.
So please cross everything you have, that this is a healthy baby and I'm just not as pregnant as I thought.

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Am pregnant again :)

I found out this morning that I'm 5 weeks pregnant :)
Baby 'pip' as we've nicknamed it (little man was 'speck' and I couldn't think of anything else!!) will arrive around the 8th August.
Sooo relieved! Also can't believe how quickly we managed to conceive this time - only took a couple of months trying!!

Thursday, 1 December 2011

Been busy crafting :)

I have finally managed to get around to more crafting and have made a bag 'red flowers'.
I also managed to break the needle on the sewing machine when I tried to attach the handle!!
Front view

back view