Sunday, 14 February 2016

I want to live!

I am so fed up. Why do I have to be trapped in this endless cycle?
Once again, I am at the darkest part. I can see nothing but blackness. I am floating through each day, without out feeling any real connection to anything or anyone. Every day just blurs and passes on to the next and the next. There is no light on the horizon, no spark at the end of the tunnel, no silver lining, nothing. There is nothing beyond my own bubble of black misery.
How many times have I been here now? How many times have I dragged myself out of this place? How many times have I been doing really well, only to slip right down to the bottomless pit of depression? Again and again and again. What is the point?
Nothing seems to change, nothing makes a significant difference. No, that’s not right. Nothing makes a lasting difference. I have no energy or fight left in me. Yet I am desperate to have a life. I don’t want to be just existing, just this shell of a person drifting from day to day. I want to be the mum my kids deserve. Not this broken, useless thing that tries to be present to their wants and needs, but fails at every turn. I want to be the daughter my parents deserve, not this useless burden, relying on them for everything and not capable of helping or giving anything in return.
I want to be a useful person in society, not this benefit dependent leech, this drain on society, with no income of my own. Who would employ me? I certainly wouldn’t. Who would want such an unstable, unpredictable person who will always end up on sick notes and draining your profits, with nothing to show for it? I guess I’m afraid. Afraid of letting people down. Afraid of becoming a financial burden on a company paying me to be on permanent sick leave; where each of my jobs has always ended up.
The worst of this is that I am imprisoned in this horrendous place, not by society or family or friends. No, the only person I have to blame for my predicament, is myself. I am the one with such expectations of what I should be doing. I am the one who seems to ignite a self-destruct fuse every time it looks like I am anywhere near the verge of feeling content with my life. I am the one who puts up barriers to prevent me from doing things I should or want to be doing. Why though? When I wouldn’t dream of doing that to another living creature, is my subconscious content to allow me to inflict this on myself? Why do I seem to have no control? I have all of the tools, knowledge and understanding, learnt from years of 1:1 therapy, plus mentalization and mindfulness groups work, so why am I still stuck?
Why is it that all I can manage to do is wake up each day, eat, drink, have the TV on some show that I can’t concentrate on and then repeat the next day and the next. Is this what my life is going to be like from now on? I have so many ideas and hopes and dreams of things I could be doing; to earn money (making cards, jewellery, ‘the dummy fairy’ story, calligraphy) things I could be doing around the house to help my parents, or to be there for my kids. I have all the ideas, but none of the drive or motivation to achieve anything. It is pathetic to think that just having a shower and getting out of my pj’s at the moment is a humungous achievement. I look at other parents and families and I’m just so jealous. I’m jealous of all the school runs they do without thinking, when for me it is a massive deal to do one morning a week. I am envious of all the posts I read on facebook of parents having fun with their kids; at the park, baking cakes, anything really, when all I seem able to do is sit on the sofa and watch.
I grieve for the loss of myself! I once was a full time primary teacher. I had a house of my own, a husband and hobbies, that I actually did and enjoyed. Slowly over the years that person has been killed off, little by little with each turn in the depression cycle. I no longer recognise the person I have become as ‘me’. I just feel like an empty vessel; exhausted of all useful substance, completely barren and isolated from the world.

I pray so hard for a way forward. A way out of this endless misery. I crave that motivation and spark that I miss so much. I don’t want to just exist anymore. I want to live! But how?

Friday, 18 September 2015

P is for Purpose

Finally, finally after months and months of having absolutely no clue what I'm doing with my life and where it's headed, I have now found my new 'purpose'!
A while back, ok, so it was probably at least 3 years ago, (she admits sheepishly!) I wrote a little story for Little Man all about the dummy fairy, to help him through the process of letting go of his dummies for good. In the end, he was too young for the story, but I had great fun writing him letters from his dummy fairy and giving him a certificate and gift, in exchange for him filling up the special bag with his dummies for the fairy to take away (find out more here.) I shared the story with a few close family members who really liked it, but then I pretty much forgot all about it.
Anywho, following a lovely catch-up lunch last weekend with my family, I have now decided to re-focus on the story and a few other 'extras' that I have thought of to try and make it into a little business. My godmother (mum's cousin) has been on and on at me to do something with the story since I wrote it, but now I think I am finally in the right place to do something about it! Soo excited!!
I'm trying to think of a good, catchy name for the business (any suggestions most welcome!) and then look out world, here I come, heehee!
So,keep your fingers crossed for me, that it all starts to come together very soon!

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Happy Birthday Little Man!

Dear Little Man,
Where has that year gone?? I can't believe that today you celebrated your 6th birthday! You had a lovely bowling party yesterday, with some school friends and little miss and your cousins. Auntie Charlotte and Uncle Chris bought her new baby to meet you too. You had a really awesome cake; dinosaur of course!
thank you Dawn from dial a cake!

I am so proud of the little man you are growing into. You still give the best hugs ever - you seem to know just when I need one! You have a kind heart and are really generous! You are still a complete fruit-loop, which makes me feel much better, to know that you are just as silly as me! You have also unfortunately, inherited my clumsiness too - I have never seen anyone fall over or have as many accidents at school, as you do - sorry about that!
At the moment, you are really into power rangers action figures, guns, dinosaurs, jumping on the trampoline, scooting (mostly just to and from school) and you are just learning to ride the new bike that me, grannie and grandad got you for your birthday. The films of the moment that we watch again and again are How to Train Your Dragon (now you have the second one as well, thanks to grannie and grandad) Tinkerbell and Frozen (though I think those are more your sisters choices, heehee!)
You have done really well at school this year - especially with your reading and handwriting! I am so so proud of you! You still love drawing and have now started writing little stories with grandad! I think you are going to take after him with your creativity :-)

So, here are some of my favourite piccies of the last year:

We have had some brilliant times this year; playing at Dinton Pastures; bouncing on the trampoline; dressing up; our caravan holiday; Peppa Pig World; your sports day where you came 1st in the ball pick up, 2nd in the hurdles and 3rd in the sprint! My favourite was the 'dust fight' we had when we had been digging for dinosaurs - I don't know who ended up with the chalkiest face in the end ;-) heehee!
You have also had to cope with the past 2 1/2 months of chaos as the extension on the house has finally begun. It has been totally crazy; with builders, electricians and now our kitchen man, but it will all be worth it in the end when the house is wheelchair-friendly for grandad. I think my favourite moment was when you came home from school to find the microwave and kettle on a table in the living room! Our 'kitchen' for the past week and a half!
I love you to the moon and back little man!
mummy xxx

Monday, 12 January 2015

Three Principles for 2015

I have been one of those people who try to make a little difference to the world, by signing petitions for things that I believe in. I guess I figure that my voice can help to make changes, even if they are only small things.
One of the groups that I am a member of is called Avaaz. They have had many, many petitions that I have added my name to, but this one that arrived in my in-box today, was a little different and I felt that it would be good to share.
It's called the Three Principles for 2015. I thought, as I haven't made any New Years resolutions, that this would be something that I could strive for this year instead.

Three Principles for 2015

Show Kindness and Respect: We will show kindness and respect towards ourselves and others whenever possible. And it's always possible, because everyone we meet is fighting a battle we may know nothing about.Strive for Wisdom: We will seek to be wise in our decisions, listening deeply to ourselves and others, and balancing our heads, hearts and intuitions in a harmony that feels right.Cultivate Gratitude: We will regularly reflect on what we're grateful for, because it brings perspective, dissolves negativity, and grounds us in what's most important.
I have also decided to keep trying to teach my kids these same values, as I think that they are important for all ages to try and live by.
If you like the idea, then follow the link (here) and sign up yourself.

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Happy 2nd birthday!!

Dear Little Miss,

Well, I can't believe that you are 2 today! Where has that time gone??
It still doesn't seem 5 minutes ago that you were a teeny tiny baby and now you are a proper mini girl, no more 'baby' left in you - so grown up!
Here are some of my favourite piccies of you this year:

All the way back in January - big girl walking!

I know there are soo many, but I just found so many that I really liked!
They start all the way back in January, where you are showing off your walking skills and then helping me to make your birthday 'thank you' cards!
Playing in the garden with Little Man pushing you in the car, followed by some very cute smiley piccies! Next up is more fun in the garden, and a special piccie with Auntie Charlotte, on one of her Tuesday visits. Funny faces at breakfast follows - you had me laughing soo hard when you did that! Next up is on the swing at the family day out in Dinton Pastures, sitting in the washing basket with Little Man and watching telly - as you do, then a brilliant piccie of you wearing your hat that shrunk - very Michael Jackson! Some family piccies next, I loved the one of us all in my bed, very nice way to wake up :-) Next we have cool shades, on the mobile and more cool shades! Finally exploring with homemade coconut playdoh, then the day you took all the drawers out of the tidy and got in yourself - my friend Ruth called it a 'child tidy' which did make me giggle! Last of all is you all grown up on the morning of your second birthday, very proud of your new scooter!

You have just changed soo soo much over the last year! You and Little Man seem to be consuming some kind of magical growth potion, as you've both shot up in the last few weeks!
You try really hard with your words now and babble away, which is just so cute! You are at the 'look at this mumma' stage, pointing out everything that you see, even though most of the time, I have no idea what you are saying ;-) You have the normal; yeh and nah, dadda, ada (Little Man), nanneee, ganeee, and FINALLY we have mumma and even mummeee! You don't know how long I have been waiting to not be called dadda! It now seems to be your favourite word as you say it over, and over, and over again! Add a whine and you'll be in training for grumpy teenager ;-) Also popular are; teddy, car, dog, there, here, and share - you want everyone to share with you, mostly food!! But the cutest at the moment is hot-hot, as you've learnt not to touch things that are hot :-)

Your favourite toys at the moment are all your cuddly teddies, that you have decided need to be wearing nappies! You love Happy Land and got 2 new sets to add to your fairy collection, also having tea parties with me and the singing teapots - great fun! You also love zooming cars around the house chasing Little Man. Singing is another favourite thing, with 'twinkle twinkle',  'wind the bobbin up', 'the hokey kokey', 'head shoulders knees and toes', the most popular.

At the moment, your week pans out as follows; Monday at Zoe's, Tuesday we go to Little Quavers music group and then you spend the rest of the day with daddy, Wednesday we are going to start going to ABC toddler group at St Mary's church, Thursday is with Zoe and then daddy again and then we have a rest day at home or with daddy depending on the week. You spend every other weekend at daddy's. When you're with me, we go often to church on Sundays. We are now looking at starting you in a nursery placement, and hopefully in September you might get a place at Pied Piper, where Little Man went.

I'm just so proud of how you have grown into such a lovely little miss! Your thirst for exploring and learning are just brilliant! Looking forward to what this year has for you!

Love you loads now and always!
Mummy xxxx

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

H is for Happy!

Well, hello my poor neglected little blog!
I am very sorry that I have not been here for quite a while now, but life has been just so hectic!
So, while I have a few quiet moments, actually to myself, I thought it was about time that I updated my latest news!


I know right?? I never thought I would be saying those words, so soon as this! But it's the truth!
There a few reasons for my new found happiness:

1) I am loving life and my place in it so much more now that I have placed my faith and trust in God. I pray more and try to stress less! I feel so loved and protected and it's just an amazing feeling!

2) I have the most amazing, supportive family! My kids might drive me nutts, but they are what my day revolves around! My dad might be a little demanding, but he can't help it with his MS. My mum might snap at others a little, but she is only human and very tired and over-worked! This whole new outlook has just made me try to be more understanding and patient - I don't manage it all the time, but I know that it is achievable!

3) I think I have met the man I want to spend the rest of my life with!! This is probably had the biggest impact on my happiness, if I'm honest!
I decided (with a little encouragement from my mum) to try out Classic FM Romance, to try and meet a nice man, seeing as I was well and truly over the Ex now. So, one evening I spent an age ticking all these boxes on the forms, placed a photo of myself (really hated that bit!) and the I uploaded it! I had interest from a couple of nice men, but nothing that seemed to instantly 'click' as the right person. Two days later and I log on to find that a man with the most gorgeous smile had sent me a message! We started to message on the site, then found each other on facebook and eventually exchanged phone numbers! Then I spoke to him on the phone! I know! Me, talking to a stranger on the phone, by choice!! Unheard of ;-) Then we were talking every night! He came to spend the night in a hotel near where I live. We went out to dinner and then to the cinema and it was just brilliant!
Then I went to see him for the weekend where he was working, but only ended up seeing him for an hour! He had booked me a hotel showing as being 6 miles away from where he was working, but it turned out that it had been calculated across the water! I was in fact 1 1/2 hours away! I still can't believe he got a taxi and came and surprised me for that hour - costing him £250!!! Crazy man ;-) I actually spent a beautiful weekend at Southend-on-Sea, exploring and having some 'me time'!
He has also met my kids and my mum and dad! The kids loved him, as he was on the floor being silly and playing with them! He even came with me to collect Little Man from school, which I hadn't expected him to do. My parents think he's great! He sat and spoke for a while with my dad and just loved my mum's cooking - all set the right impression, confirming for me that he is just amazing!
Since then he has been constantly working, but we still manage to message throughout the day and talk every night, unless one of us falls asleep ;-) I think that is one of the things I love the most about him, we talk! I never really had that with the Ex! We talk about everything! Religion, everyday things, family, past, future hopes and dreams, it's just brilliant!!
He is gorgeous, kind, caring and someone I can tell everything and anything to! He knows all about my depression and the fact that I can't work at the moment, and it doesn't bother him!
I told him I loved him the first night I met him in person and I truly meant it! He told me that he loved me too! We now tell each other how much we love each other, every single day! Oh, important information, his name is Michael and he is South African, so has a gorgeous accent too! I always knew I was going to fall for a tall, dark, handsome man ;-)
So, there we have it! My reasons for being happy!
I hope that in this hectic time of Christmas, you manage to find some time to sit back and look about you for your 'happiness' too!  xxx

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

I'm now Confirmed!

So many exciting things have been happening in my life lately, happiness, finding love, but that's for another post ;-) This post is about my growing love of God and belief in Jesus, which was confirmed for all to see at my Confirmation ceremony last night :-)

It was a lovely ceremony, not at my church, but still quite a close one (they take it in turns as to who hosts the service) I had my first Communion as well, which was really nice, even though I can't have the alcohol! I had discussed this with my vicar Brenda, who has been helping me on my journey. We decided that I could just pretend to take a sip, as no one would know! Then I could fully take part, without having the alcohol that I'm not allowed ;-)

The bishop of Reading confirmed me and 5 other candidates; three young kids, a small lady in her 80's (though she didn't look a day over 65!) and a man in his late 30's-early 40's. It was lovely for me to share this special evening with such a range of people, emphasising to me how my faith is shared by all walks of life :-)

The part of the service that sticks with me the most, was when the bishop asked us if we were ready for this step, but not just with our minds, with our hearts. He told a story of when he had been hesitant with the paths that God seemed to be guiding him along. The first being when he went to Ethiopia. He thought only for three years, but he actually ended up staying 9! Then he was being called back to become the Bishop of Reading, and again he hesitated, not sure if he was ready. He told us that hesitation is a natural part of being human; we won't always be sure that we are following the right paths, but if we trust in God and believe with all our hearts, we will do the right thing. So, all he asked of us, was that our hearts were ready to accept God and be filled with his light and love, even if our minds were not quite there yet! He told me after that he could tell I was fully ready, as I spent the whole service just beaming!

I am so glad and grateful for this new chapter in my life and step forward with my faith! It was lovely that my vicar Brenda, her mum Mary and my mum all came along to support me too! Brenda also gave me a beautiful cross as a gift, which was just sooo lovely of her! I 'm still carrying on meeting up with her, continuing my journey and learning from the Bible. Next time we meet, I am going to have to make sure that I have my little 'thank you' gift all sorted, but I have no idea what to give her!