Sunday, 17 February 2013

U is for Update!

Well, for my first post on the A-Z prompt challenge, I thought I would just share (if you haven't already noticed) that I have been updating my little blog. Mainly because I suddenly realised that the mini 'about me' didn't actually mention yet that I now have a 6 week old daughter! (bad me!)
So I thought I would have a big update of info, mainly my pages. Some have just gone; the '100 books in a year 2012' challenge - as I failed miserably and didn't want a visual reminder each time I looked at my blog, heehee ; ) Others have just been merged into a big 'all about me and my blog' page.
OK, I feel better now I've shared that ; )

Friday, 8 February 2013

What a difference a day makes!

Last night was another nightmare with Sienna. I didn't manage to do any of the feeds, mum did the 2 am one and hubby the 5.30 am one. I just lay on the bed sobbing and wishing that I was dead.
That's the worst thing about depression, the guilt. I feel terrible that I have to rely on family to do the things that I should be doing. I should be able to feed Sienna at any time, day or night. Every time I mention these feelings to mum and hubby, they just shrug it off. I don't think they really understand how bad it makes me feel, to be so useless and such a burden to everyone!
 Add to this, my horrible dreams have started to resurface again, I am once again haunted by my 'man in black'. He is the manifestation of my depression. A seemingly gorgeous, loving ex-boyfriend, who realises he has made a mistake and is sorry and wants me back. He professes everlasting love for all bystanders to see, but only I know that under that facade lurks an evil that wants to destroy me completely. So far, he has thrown me down stairs, pushed me out of a third storey window, hit and punched me, stabbed me and shot me in numerous dreams over the years. Only when I am starting to gain control of my depression again, do I manage to stand up to him and occasionally kick his arse!
Well, as of this afternoon, there's going to be a change in my dreams, it's time for me to kick arse again!

My hubby is amazing and after crying last night that I never do anything and that my existence is pointless, he only went and booked cinema tickets for me and mum to go and watch Les Miserable this afternoon (not his cup of tea, else I'm sure he would have come with me instead).
It was so brilliant and had the same effect that watching Eat, Love, Pray starting Julia Roberts had on me, funnily enough at another time when my depression was bad! It has just given me perspective and made everything seem so clear.
I am going to fight harder and not give up! I have made new plans that I want to achieve this year. I have decided that I want to learn to sew properly (to make clothes for me and my family) and to find a rewarding volunteer job, that would boost my rock-bottom self-esteem. At the moment, the idea of being responsible for anything fills me with dread - I don't think I will be any good at any job out there.

It doesn't help either, that every winter I get so ill (one bug after another, even with the flu jab!) that my depression goes 'ping' and I spiral into more illness. I then end up having so much time off work, that I know people see me as unreliable and probably wish they had never hired me. I hate letting people down all the time.
It also leaves me thinking that if I were to start looking for paid work again, who would want me? I wouldn't want to have someone working for me who is unreliable.Who has such a rubbish immune system, that they catch every bug and then are unable to tell you if they are going to be back at work in a day or a week, as their depression has kicked off as well.
I think I need some professional advice. Will have to get googling! Or, if you have any ideas, please share!
I'll keep you posted on how I'm doing, but I hope that watching Les Mis is the turning point I have been looking for.

Saturday, 2 February 2013

Life is really hard at them moment

My depression is really not coping any more :(
Since the last few months of being pregnant, I have hardly had a good nights sleep and now that Sienna has joined us, it has got even worse.
For the first couple of weeks, when hubby was with me, it wasn't too bad and we were just about coping sharing the night feeds and changing her nappy, etc.  However, now that he's back at work (permanent night shift) I managed a few nights with the help of my mum, but now my depression seems to have decided that enough is enough and has gone 'ping'. My body seems to have an 'off' switch when it thinks that everything is too much, it shuts down and all I can do is sleep. I just can't cope with night feeds any more. I can manage up to about 3 am, but then the next feeds at around 4 and 8, I just can't manage at all :'( mum has been brilliant helping me and so has hubby, but I'm left feeling so guilty and worse about myself and how useless I am! I'm so exhausted that I struggle to get up and out of bed before 12, I have been in my jammies for the past 2-3 days as well! When hubby took the kiddies away for the day yesterday to give me a break, all I managed to do was sleep all day long :'(
My bad thoughts and worthless feeling have been growing rapidly lately. We are struggling for money, as hubby is the only one working at the moment, where I had to quit my job because of the problems I had during pregnancy. I think I'm in a really bad place at the moment, as whilst trying to think of ideas to help us make / save money, I considered suicide as a way of saving money - one less mouth to feed!
My family are all struggling with their own tiredness and depression (we all have depression in this house! Me, mum, dad and hubby!!) though mine is chemical, dad's issue based and mum and hubby more to do with the stress and situations going on at the moment. Poor hubby was in tears earlier, he hardly ever cries :( I just want to get back to being 'me' - I feel so lost and sad, bursting into tears at absolutely nothing.
The Health Visitor saw us on Thursday and suggested that I have my antidepressants upped from 30 to 40 for a while. I think that this might be a good idea, as I really need help.
On the plus side, when I am up during the day, I am managing to do quite a bit more than I did when I was pregnant! I can play with Aiden, sort Sienna's feeds and nappy changes, make lunch, help a little with the washing and dishwasher. I just wish I could do more!

I have one happy thing to share, a gorgeous family piccie, taken by my lovely friend Emerald:

Lets hope that I can get back to being more 'me' really soon!