D is for Depression

So, things have not been going great at the moment.
Little man has been struggling with anger, low self esteem and even suicidal thoughts! Thankfully with the help of our doc, the school welfare officer, young carers and family resources (who have changed their name to something I don't remember!) he is getting the help he needs!

We have all been working really hard at home too to try and help him focus his anger in a more constructive way, rather than the throwing and trashing his room, like he had been doing.
It breaks my heart to think that my not even 8 year old has obviously inherited my depressive traits 😢

He has already had so much go on in his little life - parents separating and then divorcing; being bullied this whole year; his daddy's fast approaching wedding. Plus having absolutely no self-esteem or self-worth; he believes that he is useless and stupid! I can totally see why he feels the way he does!

All of this has also impacted on my own depression.
I feel dreadful for being such a useless mum all of the time. I feel guilty of the added pressure my failings incur on my family - especially my mum, who takes on all of the jobs I should be doing.
'Should be doing' such a small phrase that has such an impact on my life. I just can't stop beating myself up about all of the things I should be doing all of the time. I should be doing ALL of the school runs, not just the ones in the afternoon because I'm unable to get up early enough due to terrible insomnia. I should be doing the washing, sorting the dishwasher and cleaning the house - not leaving it to my mum do, or it being completed spiradically when I finally have the energy and motivation to do it. That's the other problem I have, no energy.

I don't think people have any idea of some of the worst issues depression causes. It is beyond crap!
I spend days just sitting in my jammies hearing the telly but not really taking anything in. Having absolutely no energy because I wake up just as tired as when I finally managed to fall asleep in the wee hours of the morning. Having the belief that I am useless and a failure, so no motivation or drive to achieve anything anymore. A mind that just feels empty. Trying to keep up with my kids when I just can't concentrate on anything. I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy.

I am struggling at the moment. I am teary all the time - tears keep leaking down my cheeks, for no reason at all. I am supremely sensitive and seem to be taking seemingly innocent comments as personal attacks. I don't see any point or purpose in my existance anymore. Oh and if that wasn't bad enough, I have now taken to comfort eating, so you can add weight gain and feeling like a disgusting blob to my lovely list.

I can see why Little Man is struggling too. I remember when I was 5 I went almost anorexic because my childminder made an off-hand comment that if I kept eating like I did, I would end up like my mum. She was quite a big lady back then. So I just stopped eating. Took quite a while for me to understand that eating normally - like we always did, would not make me fat. One little comment and my whole world turned upside down. I worry that maybe Little Man has picked up some comment from someone (maybe even me) said in haste.

The End of this Chapter!

I can't believe I would ever be saying this, but the time has come for me to make a fresh start with a whole new blog!

I have decided to keep this blog, as it has helped me through the ups and downs of 6 years of my life! (can't believe it has been that long!)

It holds the lovely memories that I have shared each time my kids have a birthday -
- my favourite photos from the year,
- their favourite toys / food / colour, at the time of each post,
- what milestones they have achieved in that year - mostly what words (or their cute versions of words!) they have learned to say now! Happy times, that I will cherish forever!

It has been a place for me to get out how I feel. Most significantly, it has allowed me to share a side of me that I usually hide from everyone! I don't like to be a burden, and having somewhere 'safe' like this has really helped me in so many ways :-)

So, if you've been with me in this chapter of my life, then a huge thank you to you!
If you want to join me in my next chapter, then find me over here Cloudy Days and Moonbeams

big hugs

Melissa xxx

O is for Organising chaos!

So, in a bid to try and organise the chaos that is my life, I did some research and happened upon something that completely changed my life!

I am one of those people that love making lists - I mean LOVE making lists. Mostly it's for things like shopping, Day Zero Projects, or important things I need to try and remember. I tend to write them down in one of my many note books and then the problems begin! For example, when I desperately need one of my lists, but can't remember which notebook I put it in, or more annoyingly I can't actually remember where I put the notebook I needed last! (honestly, having a memory as bad as mine really does have its drawbacks!)

My life is currently organised by Google calendar. I find it really useful as I can share key dates with my mum and vice versa - that way we always know who is where and when :-) I also keep a paper copy of  'this week we are...' (thanks to Picklebums) that I blue-tack to the living room door, so that in theory we can all see what is happening - it's also useful to share the weeks events with my dad, as he's not on Google calendar!

I am not however, very good at keeping journals - I tend to run out of steam and lose interest (or forget where I put my diary and can't be bothered to search for it! heehee) I have written little entries sporadically on the laptop, but it's not really something that is practical for everyday things, as some days I don't actually bother switching my laptop on!
Now, one of my latest habits has been watching YouTube videos in the wee hours of the morning, when I can't sleep and it was here I stumbled upon the idea of BULLET JOURNALS!

If you have not heard of Bullet Journals before check out this site - it has the creator explaining the idea in more detail. To put it simply, a bullet journal is a place to keep your lists, diary and journal all in one place :-) and I LOVE mine!!

If you look out there, there are heaps of blogs (like TinyRayofSunshine and YouTube videos (I particularly like Boho Berry, Oganized Chaos  and Alexandra Plans that explain the ins and outs of bullet journals far better than I ever could, so I won't go into those details here.
However, I would like to share the aspects that I love the most!

Daily Entries
Here I jot down the key events happening. Even though I have Google calendar, I actually find writing things down cements things more clearly and I'm far more likely to remember them!
If I feel like it, I add my thoughts of the day. That way I can clear my head, or jot down important things like detailed feelings or how the kids are behaving, etc etc.
What I love is that you don't have to write a daily entry religiously, every single day if you don't want to. I have days that I have lumped together because I was too poorly to write. You do what works for you :-)

Habit and Mood and Energy trackers
I set up whats called a 'spread' for one month and list all of the activities / habits that I want to keep an eye on, but don't want to write everyday again and again in my daily entries. I have things like 'go to bed before 12' and 'read a book before bedtime' so that if I manage it, I can just colour in a box for that date. I also have a list of household chores I want to get done.
What is especially useful for me is to track my mood and energy levels from day to day. I can then look over the whole month and see how I felt, how much energy I had, and when. Having all charts across a double page allows me to see what habits I manage in correlation to how I feel. I can track how my energy levels fluctuate and in turn impact on what I manage to get done.
With my severe depression, having these charts each month, gives me concrete evidence of how my mood is effecting my life. I can see when I struggle the most (at the moment it's the days just prior to my periods) I've been doing my bullet journal for just over 2 months and the difference in my activity levels and mood in just 8 weeks is amazing!! Plus this gives me a good reference if and when I see my doc or anyone else to discuss my moods and difficulties I'm experiencing.

Collections
Here's where I put in all of my lovely lists! I have things like my 'read 100 books' day zero challenge, a big lists of cleaning and tidying I needed to do before a party and my wish list of things I want to save up for and buy.
The magic of this is that you can put in whatever you want! If you have goals you want to achieve or the items you don't want to forget to pack on your next holiday, just pop them down in your bullet journal. What is really brilliant, is that you can just slot these in wherever you feel like. Unlike a traditional diary, the bullet journal grows day by day, so if you fancy sticking in a list, then you can go right ahead, then carry on your daily entries on the very next page.

Index
A bullet Journal can be written in any old notebook really, but a must have is an index at the front. Now, as I'm quite a lazy person, the idea of sitting down and writing the numbers on every page of a notebook really doesn't appeal to me! Lucky for me, there are some books like the Leuchtturm 1917 (which I treated myself to with my birthday money) that come with ready numbered pages and a handy index already done for you :-) there are of course other notebooks which are suited to bullet journaling such as Moleskin and even an official 'bullet journal notebook' which has added extras like tips to help you get started etc etc. It really does depend on you individually as to which you choose. I love my Leuchtturm 1917, as it has dotted pages which make it easy for you to do things like draw in charts, but are also faint enough not to distract me if I fancy putting in a little sketch or something, I guess it gives you enough structure without it being too imposing like lines or squares would be.
Anyway, getting sidetracked ;-) having an Index is really useful so you can find your trackers and collections easily. You don't have to index everything, just whatever you feel like. I usually just include each month and the pages it covers (so that I don't have to index every daily entry), my end of month memory pages, then trackers and collections. Works for me :-)

Flexibility
My most favourite aspect of bullet journaling is the flexibility it allows. Don't like daily entries? Then use a weekly spread instead. Or you could go all out and have your 'month at a glance' - to list the key events happening that month, a 'weekly spread' - a more detailed look at what's happening that week  and your 'daily entries' if that's what floats your boat!
If you like having a space for listing tasks you don't want to forget, you could place them on your weekly spreads or next to your months at a glance (which is what I like to do)
What works for you one month, you might not fancy doing again, so you can just change it with ease! You can experiment with different layouts for spreads until you find one you like, or keep changing it up to add variety to your journal.
If you're the arty type, then here's a great place to show of your creative side - how about fancy illustrations, doodle challenges or pretty lettering for your dailies?
The bullet journal can be as simple or as complex as you want. It can evolve and grow to suite your current needs. You can add, leave out or tweak things as you see fit.

Now there are loads of amazing people out there, as I mentioned before, who have great ideas for you to try out, so be adventurous and have a go!
At the end of the day the best, best bit is that this is your journal! Therefore you can't do it 'wrong'! It's your personality, your memories, your choices all bound together in one special place :-)

P.S. I would just like to say a massive thank you to YouTube videos, Pinterest and the host of Bullet Journal blogs that I've found out there, without which I'd have never found this amazing new way of organising the chaos that is my life :-)

V is for Very bad me!

Well, here we are again - poor little neglected blog and me! Feel very bad for not visiting in such a long time again!

Life has certainly moved on a lot since my last visit!
Little Miss is now 4 and has a place all lined up for her starting 'big school' in September!
Little Man is about to turn 8 in just a few weeks time - how that is even possible I don't know!! heehee!

One of my favourite piccies, taken recently ;-)

Life for me personally has been like riding a giant roller coaster - more downs than ups at the moment though, unfortunately. My plans for starting my own crafty business has come on a little, but not as far as I had hoped. I have a domain name and company logo all sorted out :-) I have started some courses to help improve my skills and confidence and hope to be up a running some time next year, instead of my original plan of September this year.

I seem to be immensely good at getting ill again, with bug after bug dragging me down and leaving me completely exhausted all the time :-/

One good thing to note is that I have managed to get accepted to a new voluntary position, helping at the local library. I went on the training session and am really looking forward to starting next week. I always had librarian on my list of possible careers after I had to leave teaching, and even though I'm not getting paid, I will be helping to ensure that our library doesn't join some of those in my county that are being closed due to lack of funds from the local authorities. It also gives me a great excuse to get back to borrowing books, instead of buying them all the time - even if they are mostly from charity shops. I also want to start taking the kids on a regular basis - I used to love visiting the library when I was younger and I want my kids to experience some of that joy too!

What else has been happening? Not a lot to be honest! I seem to be drifting a little at the moment, probably because of all the illnesses I keep getting ;-)
I want to get life back on track again and now seems as good a time as any :-)

Well until next time - hopefully not in another 6 months!

50 Questions that will free your mind

Why hello poor neglected Blog! I have been away for far too long and sooo much has happened - but that's another post!
So, I have just finished my Day Zero Project (I completed 56/101 goals, which I didn't think was too bad!) I decided to make another one and put on the goals I didn't manage to achieve, plus some new ones. Whilst searching for inspiration, I came across this goal and decided that it looked good, so I am going to have a go at answering them all!
For a link to the original article written by Marc Chernoff  click here

Off we go then!
50 Questions that will free your mind:

1.    How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? I think probably around 65 - I have always felt older than I am, like I have an old soul! Plus my body is falling apart!

2.    Which is worse, failing or never trying? Never trying! You will never know what you can achieve unless you try. If you fail, you can always try again.

3.    If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? I think we get complacent about things. We think that we have all the time in the world, so will get around to those things we really want to do 'someday'. Also fear of the unknown or taking risks. People keep doing the same things over and over, even if they don't like doing them because they are known and therefore safe.

4.    When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? Probably! I'm brilliant at making lists and setting personal goals, but actually doing these things is a lot more of a challenge for me, heehee!

5.    What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? Wow, such a tough choice as there are so many things I would like to see changed! I think if we were all a lot more tolerant of each other - of our differences in beliefs, religions etc then there would be a lot less conflict in the world. 

6.    If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Crafting, especially making jewellery - my new passion!

7.    Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? I settled for too many years in the past, so I am definitely doing what I believe in now :-)

8.    If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? I would live each day as if it were my last! Take more risks, do more things I want to do, complete my 'bucket list' etc. 

9.    To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? Hardly at all! My life has unfortunately been completely led by my depression - it caused me to leave my dream job of teaching, it was the final nail in the coffin of my marriage, it has caused major disruption to my day-to-day life. But I will always be a lot stronger because of all the difficulties I have overcome!

10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Tough question! I think doing the right things would worry me more, as I don't like the idea of doing wrong or breaking 'rules'

11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.They all start criticising a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? I listen quietly, but not agree at all. I will explain that they are talking about a close friend of mine and although they are entitled to their opinions, I would prefer to talk about something else. 

12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Do what makes you happy - live the life you want, not what others expect from you

13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? Oh wow, I'm not sure! It would depend on what my loved one needs saving from! I would definitely want to help them, but staying within the law if possible.

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? Nope, I tend to see creativity wherever I look

15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Roll my tongue in to 3! Silly I know, but most people I know can only roll their tongue so that both sides go up to make like a 'tongue tube'! I can make my tongue coil into 3 'bits' - I'm very weird!

16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? Because we are all individuals. We have individual experiences in life and perceive things differently, which makes the world full of variety :-)

17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back? Travel the world - I don't have the money! Heehee! Also I have my kids and am a single mum, so they always have to come first.

18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Not anymore! Lots of therapy and self-discovery have allowed me to start letting go of old, negative beliefs. I am also getting better at letting go of kids things - like toys and only keeping truly sentimental things

19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? Ooooh, so many possibilities! I think I would love to live in Canada. I think that it is a beautiful country and the Canadians I have met, are just lovely!

20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? No I don't and I don't think it would make a difference

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? I think joyful simpleton! I usual find more joy in the simple things in life anyway. Plus I'd rather be innocently joyful and happy then intelligent and worried all of the time ;-)

22. Why are you, you? Because of my genes, my experiences in life (good and bad) which have shaped my strong moral compass and beliefs, my loving and supportive friends and family and finally the faith that I'm on the path in life that God has helped me find.

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Yes I think so. I am fiercely loyal and love all of my friends. I try to be supportive, to listen and help if I can. I don't have any expectations of my friends - I know that we all have busy lives and can't always find lots of spare time for a coffee and a catch-up, so I treasure any time they do have for me. I may not be good at calling friends, but I always try to message them frequently to see how they are. I hope that makes me a good friend to have. 

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? Losing touch with a friend who lives right near me. A lot of my closest friends live far away and I still manage to maintain good friendships. I have actually had a good friend who lives close to me who cut off our friendship and that was far worse. I have learnt though that we keep the friends we are supposed to keep, no matter the distance between us.

25. What are you most grateful for? My family. Without them, in particular my mum, I wouldn't be here today.

26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? Wow, another really tough question! I already struggle a bit with my memory, but I think it would be far worse to never be able to make any new ones. 

27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? Maybe. I think I tend to believe things as truth, as I trust that others are as truthful as I am. Perhaps I have become a little more gullible than I was previously, but I would always challenge something or investigate more if I wasn't convinced it was true.

28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?  Yes. I feared not living the life I had always envisioned - being a teacher and having a happy marriage and family life. I am now a divorced, stay at home mum!

29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now? No, memory isn't one of my strong points ;-)

30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special? Family Christmases because my grandparents always came to stay and it was even more special with them there.

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? When investigating which way to vote on Brexit!

32. If not now, then when? I don't know! How about tomorrow ;-)

33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? Absolutely nothing :-)

34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? No, not that I can think of - I like 'real' conversations much more!

35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Religions don't cause wars, people do. People with an agenda hurt others and say that it is in the name of their God. Intolerance causes wars. Greed causes wars. Religions can be used as a 'reason' to justify peoples hatred and intolerance of others. 

36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? No. I think evil and good is impossible to ever really 'know' because it is subjective! What I think is evil may not be seen as evil to someone else.  

37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? If I had a job I loved then no! As I am currently unemployed, I would find more charitable work to do instead of paid work.

38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? More work I actually enjoy doing. I need to have goals to achieve, it helps my depression. Otherwise I drift from one day to the next without really doing anything.

39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? Yes! Today is one of a hundred days where I have no energy or motivation to do anything but play on my laptop with the TV on in the background! 

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? When I finally found myself again, after my divorce and last post-natal depression. I have finally decided where my life is going!

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? I would want to see everyone! Hold a massive party, so that I could be with them all one last time. I could never choose one person over another!

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? No! I hate being in the lime light! When I  played the viola, I preferred hiding in the back row of my section in the orchestra or playing in a quartet - never liked solos!! 

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Being alive is just the physical aspects - breathing, eating, growing etc. Truly living requires much more! It requires experiences, choices, decisions, feeling emotions, interactions with others etc. 

44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? Right away! I have lived too long worrying and stressing about things - what problems my decisions may cause, weighing up the pros and cons . Now if I know something is the right thing to do, I will just get on and do it!

45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? I think some of us are braver than others! If you have always met with criticism when you make a mistake, you will eventually believe that all mistakes are bad and so you will fear them. If mistakes are just a part of your journey, like bumps in the road rather than huge valleys to cross, then you can get over them a lot easier. I love the saying that you are not making a mistake - you are doing a dance; one step back and two forwards ;-)

46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? I would wear my jammies all the time (even out in public) - they are just so comfy, heehee!

47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? I learnt to focus on my breath when I took a mindful therapy course. I practised it the other day when having a floatation session :-)

48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? I love my kids and I tell them so every day! I try to encourage and support them and spend as much quality time with them as I can - having fun and making memories :-)

49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that? Not a chance! My memory is awful - a not so great part of my depression :-(

50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? I have found decision making very hard due to my depression, but I think that I have made a lot of progress recently! I am able to make the important decisions myself now - especially regarding my kids. Smaller, day-to-day decisions I hope are made together with my mum, not just always made for me, (since we all live together!)

Wow! If you made it this far, then thank you for sticking with me to then end! That was a really thought provoking process! 

I want to live!

I am so fed up. Why do I have to be trapped in this endless cycle?

Once again, I am at the darkest part. I can see nothing but blackness. I am floating through each day, without out feeling any real connection to anything or anyone. Every day just blurs and passes on to the next and the next. There is no light on the horizon, no spark at the end of the tunnel, no silver lining, nothing. There is nothing beyond my own bubble of black misery.

How many times have I been here now? How many times have I dragged myself out of this place? How many times have I been doing really well, only to slip right down to the bottomless pit of depression? Again and again and again. What is the point?

Nothing seems to change, nothing makes a significant difference. No, that’s not right. Nothing makes a lasting difference. I have no energy or fight left in me. Yet I am desperate to have a life. I don’t want to be just existing, just this shell of a person drifting from day to day. I want to be the mum my kids deserve. Not this broken, useless thing that tries to be present to their wants and needs, but fails at every turn. I want to be the daughter my parents deserve, not this useless burden, relying on them for everything and not capable of helping or giving anything in return.

I want to be a useful person in society, not this benefit dependent leech, this drain on society, with no income of my own. Who would employ me? I certainly wouldn’t. Who would want such an unstable, unpredictable person who will always end up on sick notes and draining your profits, with nothing to show for it? I guess I’m afraid. Afraid of letting people down. Afraid of becoming a financial burden on a company paying me to be on permanent sick leave; where each of my jobs has always ended up.

The worst of this is that I am imprisoned in this horrendous place, not by society or family or friends. No, the only person I have to blame for my predicament, is myself. I am the one with such expectations of what I should be doing. I am the one who seems to ignite a self-destruct fuse every time it looks like I am anywhere near the verge of feeling content with my life. I am the one who puts up barriers to prevent me from doing things I should or want to be doing. Why though? When I wouldn’t dream of doing that to another living creature, is my subconscious content to allow me to inflict this on myself? Why do I seem to have no control? I have all of the tools, knowledge and understanding, learnt from years of 1:1 therapy, plus mentalization and mindfulness groups work, so why am I still stuck?

Why is it that all I can manage to do is wake up each day, eat, drink, have the TV on some show that I can’t concentrate on and then repeat the next day and the next. Is this what my life is going to be like from now on? I have so many ideas and hopes and dreams of things I could be doing; to earn money (making cards, jewellery, ‘the dummy fairy’ story, calligraphy) things I could be doing around the house to help my parents, or to be there for my kids. I have all the ideas, but none of the drive or motivation to achieve anything. It is pathetic to think that just having a shower and getting out of my pj’s at the moment is a humungous achievement. I look at other parents and families and I’m just so jealous. I’m jealous of all the school runs they do without thinking, when for me it is a massive deal to do one morning a week. I am envious of all the posts I read on facebook of parents having fun with their kids; at the park, baking cakes, anything really, when all I seem able to do is sit on the sofa and watch.

I grieve for the loss of myself! I once was a full time primary teacher. I had a house of my own, a husband and hobbies, that I actually did and enjoyed. Slowly over the years that person has been killed off, little by little with each turn in the depression cycle. I no longer recognise the person I have become as ‘me’. I just feel like an empty vessel; exhausted of all useful substance, completely barren and isolated from the world.

I pray so hard for a way forward. A way out of this endless misery. I crave that motivation and spark that I miss so much. I don’t want to just exist anymore. I want to live! But how?

P is for Purpose

Woohoo!
Finally, finally after months and months of having absolutely no clue what I'm doing with my life and where it's headed, I have now found my new 'purpose'!
A while back, ok, so it was probably at least 3 years ago, (she admits sheepishly!) I wrote a little story for Little Man all about the dummy fairy, to help him through the process of letting go of his dummies for good. In the end, he was too young for the story, but I had great fun writing him letters from his dummy fairy and giving him a certificate and gift, in exchange for him filling up the special bag with his dummies for the fairy to take away (find out more here.) I shared the story with a few close family members who really liked it, but then I pretty much forgot all about it.
Anywho, following a lovely catch-up lunch last weekend with my family, I have now decided to re-focus on the story and a few other 'extras' that I have thought of to try and make it into a little business. My godmother (mum's cousin) has been on and on at me to do something with the story since I wrote it, but now I think I am finally in the right place to do something about it! Soo excited!!
I'm trying to think of a good, catchy name for the business (any suggestions most welcome!) and then look out world, here I come, heehee!
So,keep your fingers crossed for me, that it all starts to come together very soon!