I am now officially divorced.

When I think back over the last year, these were words that I thought I would be really happy to see in black and white, but that's not the case. I thought that I would be having a 'New Beginnings Party' with some of my friends, celebrating the end of one chapter and the start of a new one, but I haven't.
I have actually taken the news quite badly! Which has taken me completely by surprise!
But is it surprising that I am low and sad, when you think of the fact the The Ex was my first ever real boyfriend? That we had been friends since I was 9 years old and finally progressed to in a relationship when I reached 17. That after our 4 year engagement, (which started on my 18th birthday) we made it to 9 years of marriage - so a grand total of 14 years together! That he really hurt me when he left and started up a relationship with a friend of ours! That he didn't even wait to be divorced before he got engaged to his latest girlfriend!
Hmmm... when you look over the last year, I think I'm entitled to a few weeks of feeling like crap! I never really had many tears when he first left - I had 2 kids to look after (with a heap of help from my family) plus a massive crisis in my depression to get over at the same time. I guess I buried every feeling, put on my brave 'it's all ok' face and carried on.
Happily, it's not all doom and gloom, I genuinely have no ill will towards The Ex and am extremely happy for him! His family and I have recently mended our relationship and I am so touched that they will always see me as family, no matter what!
I guess I just feel a little lonely now. I would love to have a special someone to talk to. Someone to give me hugs and kisses and tell me that everything is going to be ok. Someone to go on dates with and have a bit of fun with! My new soul mate. I know that he is out there somewhere, but that I'm not quite ready for any of that yet.
I'm going to focus on getting me better (I'm already doing sooo much better than this time last year!) being the best mum and daughter I can be and finally continuing to help sort out our home - massive progress made already!
At least, I'll continue to do that, when I find where my 'get up and go, has got up and gone to' ;-)

2014, my year for new beginnings

I have decided to delete my final thoughts for 2013, as it was very negative and I'm trying to focus more on my positives and plans for moving forward.

Very long story short, I am now headed for divorce. My husband left at the end of November and 10 days later started a new relationship.
After a few very stressful months where plans kept changing (don't ask!) we have finally settled on when he will have the kids and how much maintenance he will pay me a month.
I saw my solicitor today and hopefully, we should be able to have a reasonably straight forward divorce. The only problem is going to be finding the money to pay for it! (£1200!)

Anyway, putting this aside, a lot of good things have come out of this really sad change.
I have finally been diagnosed with aspects of bipolar disorder (I do the major depression, but never the manic 'happy happies') and have been given mood stabilisers on top of my normal anti-depressants, which have been working amazingly well! I have managed to bounce back from each little 'bump' over the past couple of months extremely fast - so fast that my health professionals can't quite believe it! I was released really quickly from the crisis team, then by my psych person at the mental health unit and now have a mental health social worker who is setting me up for psychological therapy. All  in less than 2 months - yay me!

With the help of my amazing friend Charlotte and her hubby, we have finally started to sort the chaos in out house! We have moved furniture around downstairs, and boxed everything not essential up (my mum is and major hoarder, so things have to be checked before they can go!) but already such an improvement!
Next job is to finally sort Little Miss's bedroom, so that she can move out of mine ;-)

I have managed to lose 2 stone in weight! (I think stress can work wonders, heehee!)
I am finally out of my maternity jeans, which I am so so proud of! My appetite has shrunk to a much better, healthier one - no more stuffing chocolates (except 'time of the month' when I just need!)
I walk Little Man to school and try to power-walk home - though I nearly slipped on my bum today, due to icy paths! heehee!
I'm trying to go for more walks, with the help of Charlotte again - one booked for tomorrow ;-)

We're having more 'family' meals round the kitchen table. This is something that we (mum and I) have really wanted to do for such a long time and finally, now the table is clearer, we can :-)
I think it's really nice to sit all together, with only music in the background (no TV during meals) and share our thoughts of the day. It also helps teach Little Man more table manners ;-)

I've decided to try the Day Zero Project (thanks to Jennifer's Little World!) as a way of sorting and organising my life, and focusing my plans for the next few years - you get 1001 days to complete 101 challenges!

Well, here's to a bright future for me and my kids!

Listography: top 5 personal achievements of 2013

Oooh another lovely Listography this week, achievements this time. (check out Kate takes 5, to view and share your own!)

1. My gorgeous Little Miss arrived 6th January! Even though she was late, she was my little miracle, as my hubby's family only ever have boys! Plus I managed on gas and air only, as I didn't have time for pethidine like I wanted, heehee!

2. I finally made my first pieces of jewellery - something I've wanted to do for ages :-)

3. I have finally found my spiritual self and am the happiest I've been in so long. I'm now a 'born again' (don't know if that's the right term?) Christian and feel so much more calm and at peace! Been especially important in recent troubled times! I'm looking forward to hopefully getting Confirmed some time in 2014!

(Ok, I'm struggling a bit to think of 2 more, might have to come back in a bit!)

4. I'm no longer afraid of the future!
Since leaving teaching back in 2010 / 2011 I have felt really lost, as it was my 'plan' for my future since I was 5! I was married, had Little man and had no clue where I was going, which was such a new experience it completely freaked me out! All of my life-long plans were either fulfilled or no longer applicable!
Due to some really hard times in the last month, (which I'll blog about soon), I have found my inner strength at last and am actually looking forward to the multitude of opportunities my future could hold!

5. I have finally started winning with my ongoing battle of severe depression and post-natal depression. (Will blog in more detail soon) but v long story short, my new meds are working brilliantly :-D Have finally started to feel like 'me' again!

Looking back, a strange mix of achievements, but at least I managed to achieve something ;-)

Right, the time has come - weight loss is on!!

So, I have been having lots of time to think about things - my life, plans etc and I have decided that today is the day - stage 'lose weight and get fit' is starting!!

Mum and I have just calculated our BMI (never ever want to do that again!!) and unsurprisingly we both come out v v v overweight!
From looking at the charts and trying my best (maths has never been a strong point for me, heehee!) I've worked out that we both need to lose about 7 stone to get down to our ideal weights! My ideal weight for my height is about 12 stone!
Now, at the moment that goal weight seems impossible! However, with trying to take small steps and lose a little each week, I am determined that it will be achievable!

We have just downloaded the NHS 12 week plan to help us get started - I am going to be a good girl and try and update my progress on here every week!
I am going to be v honest and hopefully that will keep me on track - I can't stand being this big anymore!

So here we go!

Week 1

Stats:
Weight = 19 stone 0 (120.7kg)
Height = 5ft 8  (172.7cm)
BMI = 40.47
Thoughts and Feeling: ARGH!!!!!

At the moment, I just need to remember that the last 6 months have been really hard with depression etc - leading to me not doing v much of anything + major comfort eating of v v v bad food ; )
So tomorrow is a new day, a new chapter and I am ready for it!

Wish us luck!!!

Self Injury Awareness Day

image from google images

Today, 1st March is SIAD - Self Injury Awareness Day (self harming)
I feel that like depression and many mental illnesses, self harming really isn't understood or talked about enough, so I thought I would be brave and share my story with you.
Only my mum, dean and a couple of close friends know that I struggle with self harming.
I think that for me it started when I was back in Secondary school, year 8 (I would have been about 12).
I have always been shy and an 'oddball' (never one of those pretty, popular girls!) and making friends was something that I found really hard to do. By the end of year 7, I was relieved to have a group of close friends in my tutor group, one of whom I had been friends with since I was about 5! That changed very quickly the following year, when one of the girls didn't like it when I chose to be different from the rest of them. Looking back it's now clear that she was the 'trend setter / leader' of our little group, as whatever she liked, we all liked. This was all fine until crime of all crimes, I didn't like her latest obsession - Take That! (funnily enough, now that they have re-formed, I quite like their newer music!! heehee!) Anyway, it seems such a stupid thing to start bullying someone about, but that's how it began! It was all they talked about and I got pretty bored of it - I was more into alternative music, heavily influenced by my older brother ; ) I also felt that it was really childish and just didn't understand why they went round talking non-stop Take That - they even started mimicking words like 'ickle' one of the band members said instead of 'little'. I became the outsider, and started to feel really miserable and alone - if they saw any of this, it didn't seem to worry them, or encourage any of them to try and include me more by varying the subject ; ) What made it worse was that the 'leader' (I'll call her 'S') didn't seem to like the fact that I refused to be a little sheep and follow her in this latest craze. She turned really nasty and started to pick on me terribly. My other friends just stood by and watched. Being at school became unbearable, she was in all my lessons, only at break times could I escape from her. I don't know how long it went on for, but I got to the stage where I didn't want to go to school any more. I was miserable.
Outside of school was fine though, I was always busy with different clubs every night. On Mondays, I was a helper at a youth club for Primary aged kids and had some really good friends, who were all adult helpers. I was always treated as an adult, and found it easy to get on with all of them. Of all of them, Steve was my good friend and I talked to him loads about my horrible situation.
Night times became bad as well, as I would dwell on everything. I started to attack my skin to ease the pain I felt inside. I would use my fingernails and pick at the skin on my breasts, often until I bled. I would then cry myself to sleep.
My mum knew something was wrong, but it took ages before I told her I was being bullied. She went and talked to my form tutors, who couldn't believe it. You see S was the 'perfect' person, everyone thought she was so lovely - she was quiet, hard working and looking at her, you wouldn't think she could bully someone either! However, they spoke to her and she left me alone. My mum explained (and my tutors agreed), that I had 'outgrown' my friends. It actually made sense, as I found them really juvenile and could relate better to my adult friends at youth club. I think I've always been 'old' for my age! I had the big school girl crushes at Primary school (I also started my period aged 10, which could account for a lot too! ; ) )
Eventually, I made some new friends and only had to ignore my old friends during lessons, which was a lot better. The ironic thing is that eventually, the original group of friends merged with my new friends one by one - they must have decided that they wanted to be different too!! Things were not the same as before, it wasn't mentioned, but I never forgot what they did to me.
The skin picking became a nightly ritual, but I didn't tell anyone about it. If times got more stressful, I did it even more. I would start picking at the top of my left arm as well. It became a kind of release, which I needed to escape the emotional scars S had left, that I couldn't deal with.
I think no one realised, as I only did it at night time in my room, and I only picked places that no one would see. My mum noticed eventually and used to try and tell me not to do it, but I couldn't stop. My now husband was the same.
A couple of years ago, after a really bad patch with my depression, I decided that as I was getting therapy, I would try and address my self harming. I told the doctor and showed him my scarred breasts. I had never, ever shown anyone but mum and dean (still haven't!) so it was a huge deal. He thought that my self harming was dermatitis artefacta (I had to look it up!) He explained that as I have been doing it for so long, I infect the skin where I picked and then hate what I see, so do it again and again - thus creating a vicious circle.  For a while I tried to stop, but I couldn't. Each time my babies were born I would try again as I was breast feeding, but the minute they went to bottles, I couldn't stop myself from starting again.
So now, I still have this need to pick at my skin at the end of every day. If I get really upset, or stressed, I do it even more. I hate the scars I have caused and the fact that it's become routine.
Now, you might wonder why I decided to share this? Well, I am no longer ashamed to talk about the fact that I have severe depression, so I figured that this was the next step. Having this SIA day to make others more aware and less judgemental, also spurred me onto actually writing about my experience.
I hope that some people will learn not to be so judgemental about people who self harm. We don't all do it for attention - it took me about 12 years before I could admit I had a problem, and tried to get help from my doctor! The only other people who know is my best friend and a friend with the same problem.

If anyone else out there suffers with SI, please know I feel your pain and am sending you loads of hugs, you're not alone xxx

What a difference a day makes!

Last night was another nightmare with Sienna. I didn't manage to do any of the feeds, mum did the 2 am one and hubby the 5.30 am one. I just lay on the bed sobbing and wishing that I was dead.
That's the worst thing about depression, the guilt. I feel terrible that I have to rely on family to do the things that I should be doing. I should be able to feed Sienna at any time, day or night. Every time I mention these feelings to mum and hubby, they just shrug it off. I don't think they really understand how bad it makes me feel, to be so useless and such a burden to everyone!
 Add to this, my horrible dreams have started to resurface again, I am once again haunted by my 'man in black'. He is the manifestation of my depression. A seemingly gorgeous, loving ex-boyfriend, who realises he has made a mistake and is sorry and wants me back. He professes everlasting love for all bystanders to see, but only I know that under that facade lurks an evil that wants to destroy me completely. So far, he has thrown me down stairs, pushed me out of a third storey window, hit and punched me, stabbed me and shot me in numerous dreams over the years. Only when I am starting to gain control of my depression again, do I manage to stand up to him and occasionally kick his arse!
Well, as of this afternoon, there's going to be a change in my dreams, it's time for me to kick arse again!

My hubby is amazing and after crying last night that I never do anything and that my existence is pointless, he only went and booked cinema tickets for me and mum to go and watch Les Miserable this afternoon (not his cup of tea, else I'm sure he would have come with me instead).
It was so brilliant and had the same effect that watching Eat, Love, Pray starting Julia Roberts had on me, funnily enough at another time when my depression was bad! It has just given me perspective and made everything seem so clear.
I am going to fight harder and not give up! I have made new plans that I want to achieve this year. I have decided that I want to learn to sew properly (to make clothes for me and my family) and to find a rewarding volunteer job, that would boost my rock-bottom self-esteem. At the moment, the idea of being responsible for anything fills me with dread - I don't think I will be any good at any job out there.

It doesn't help either, that every winter I get so ill (one bug after another, even with the flu jab!) that my depression goes 'ping' and I spiral into more illness. I then end up having so much time off work, that I know people see me as unreliable and probably wish they had never hired me. I hate letting people down all the time.
It also leaves me thinking that if I were to start looking for paid work again, who would want me? I wouldn't want to have someone working for me who is unreliable.Who has such a rubbish immune system, that they catch every bug and then are unable to tell you if they are going to be back at work in a day or a week, as their depression has kicked off as well.
I think I need some professional advice. Will have to get googling! Or, if you have any ideas, please share!
I'll keep you posted on how I'm doing, but I hope that watching Les Mis is the turning point I have been looking for.

I'm sooo proud!

The Dummy Fairy visited little man last night!
This morning we opened an envelope and read a special  letter together. Then we found a special bag for the dummy to go in for the fairy to collect, if he was feeling brave enough.
The minute we finished the letter, little man put his dummy straight in the bag and said 'goodbye dodo!' It was soo cute, and way more than I had expected!

Little man with his letter and dummy ready for the fairy!

So, I have decided that he will have to have the little certificate AND pressie tonight, as I am so impressed!

See you later 20's!

I can't believe it, I am going to be 30 tomorrow!It doesn't seem that long ago that I was just finishing school and excited about the thought of going off to Uni and starting the big adventure that has been my 20's!
So many things have happened in the last decade (wow, it seems such a long time when I say it, a whole 10 years!!)

The achievements and good bits:
Completing my 4 year teaching degree (22)
Getting married to my gorgeous hubby (22)
Moving into our first little house (22)
Getting my teaching job (22) - it was a REALLY busy 6 months, heehee!
Giving birth to my amazing Little Man (27)
Getting Little Man Christened (28)
Setting up my own little crafting business (28/29)
Loads of lovely family holidays and outings
Numerous trips and laughs with friends
Beating some phobias - tattoo (for fear of needles), holding a Chilean rose tarantula, holding 2 snakes (though not at the same time, heehee!), completing an aerial assault course!
Finding a part time job and hours that I can manage, whilst still feeling valued and contributing to the family earnings.

The not so god bits:
The last of my grandparents passing away
Depression resurfacing
Having to leave the teaching profession
Having to sell our little home and move back in with my parents
 Loosing touch with some good friends from Uni, though not knowing why - as I repeatedly sent messages, but took the hint when I never got any replies!

So many changes! I can't believe how different I am from my 20 year old self!
I have absolutely no regrets and even the sad events have helped to shape and make me the person I am today.  I feel so much more content and confident in myself and my strengths, rather than someone who always focuses on the negatives!

If I could go back to offer some advice to my 20 year old self it would be to relax and stop stressing so much! That I can't control or plan everything. The future is forever changing and it's not scary, it's the path I'm supposed to travel, even if it's not where I thought I would end up!

I My best friend C and I are having a joint 30th party tomorrow and I'm so excited! We have been friends for about 23 years now, and we had a joint 18th party, (she's 6 days younger than me!)
I will make sure to add lots of piccies!!

So, see you later 20's, hello 30's!

Have been really brave!

Me and little man went to visit a friend and her 'zoo' of pets on Wednesday - partly to have a good old chin-wag and catch up, as I haven't seen her in ages! Also to help me with some of my fears! Here are some piccies of how brave we were!

little man and Lisa

watching the hedgehog

looking at the spider!!

holding the small snake!

holding the lizard

little man and the tortoise

the big snake giving us a cuddle!

I held the big snake's head - very brave for me!!