I want to live!

I am so fed up. Why do I have to be trapped in this endless cycle?

Once again, I am at the darkest part. I can see nothing but blackness. I am floating through each day, without out feeling any real connection to anything or anyone. Every day just blurs and passes on to the next and the next. There is no light on the horizon, no spark at the end of the tunnel, no silver lining, nothing. There is nothing beyond my own bubble of black misery.

How many times have I been here now? How many times have I dragged myself out of this place? How many times have I been doing really well, only to slip right down to the bottomless pit of depression? Again and again and again. What is the point?

Nothing seems to change, nothing makes a significant difference. No, that’s not right. Nothing makes a lasting difference. I have no energy or fight left in me. Yet I am desperate to have a life. I don’t want to be just existing, just this shell of a person drifting from day to day. I want to be the mum my kids deserve. Not this broken, useless thing that tries to be present to their wants and needs, but fails at every turn. I want to be the daughter my parents deserve, not this useless burden, relying on them for everything and not capable of helping or giving anything in return.

I want to be a useful person in society, not this benefit dependent leech, this drain on society, with no income of my own. Who would employ me? I certainly wouldn’t. Who would want such an unstable, unpredictable person who will always end up on sick notes and draining your profits, with nothing to show for it? I guess I’m afraid. Afraid of letting people down. Afraid of becoming a financial burden on a company paying me to be on permanent sick leave; where each of my jobs has always ended up.

The worst of this is that I am imprisoned in this horrendous place, not by society or family or friends. No, the only person I have to blame for my predicament, is myself. I am the one with such expectations of what I should be doing. I am the one who seems to ignite a self-destruct fuse every time it looks like I am anywhere near the verge of feeling content with my life. I am the one who puts up barriers to prevent me from doing things I should or want to be doing. Why though? When I wouldn’t dream of doing that to another living creature, is my subconscious content to allow me to inflict this on myself? Why do I seem to have no control? I have all of the tools, knowledge and understanding, learnt from years of 1:1 therapy, plus mentalization and mindfulness groups work, so why am I still stuck?

Why is it that all I can manage to do is wake up each day, eat, drink, have the TV on some show that I can’t concentrate on and then repeat the next day and the next. Is this what my life is going to be like from now on? I have so many ideas and hopes and dreams of things I could be doing; to earn money (making cards, jewellery, ‘the dummy fairy’ story, calligraphy) things I could be doing around the house to help my parents, or to be there for my kids. I have all the ideas, but none of the drive or motivation to achieve anything. It is pathetic to think that just having a shower and getting out of my pj’s at the moment is a humungous achievement. I look at other parents and families and I’m just so jealous. I’m jealous of all the school runs they do without thinking, when for me it is a massive deal to do one morning a week. I am envious of all the posts I read on facebook of parents having fun with their kids; at the park, baking cakes, anything really, when all I seem able to do is sit on the sofa and watch.

I grieve for the loss of myself! I once was a full time primary teacher. I had a house of my own, a husband and hobbies, that I actually did and enjoyed. Slowly over the years that person has been killed off, little by little with each turn in the depression cycle. I no longer recognise the person I have become as ‘me’. I just feel like an empty vessel; exhausted of all useful substance, completely barren and isolated from the world.

I pray so hard for a way forward. A way out of this endless misery. I crave that motivation and spark that I miss so much. I don’t want to just exist anymore. I want to live! But how?

I am now officially divorced.

When I think back over the last year, these were words that I thought I would be really happy to see in black and white, but that's not the case. I thought that I would be having a 'New Beginnings Party' with some of my friends, celebrating the end of one chapter and the start of a new one, but I haven't.
I have actually taken the news quite badly! Which has taken me completely by surprise!
But is it surprising that I am low and sad, when you think of the fact the The Ex was my first ever real boyfriend? That we had been friends since I was 9 years old and finally progressed to in a relationship when I reached 17. That after our 4 year engagement, (which started on my 18th birthday) we made it to 9 years of marriage - so a grand total of 14 years together! That he really hurt me when he left and started up a relationship with a friend of ours! That he didn't even wait to be divorced before he got engaged to his latest girlfriend!
Hmmm... when you look over the last year, I think I'm entitled to a few weeks of feeling like crap! I never really had many tears when he first left - I had 2 kids to look after (with a heap of help from my family) plus a massive crisis in my depression to get over at the same time. I guess I buried every feeling, put on my brave 'it's all ok' face and carried on.
Happily, it's not all doom and gloom, I genuinely have no ill will towards The Ex and am extremely happy for him! His family and I have recently mended our relationship and I am so touched that they will always see me as family, no matter what!
I guess I just feel a little lonely now. I would love to have a special someone to talk to. Someone to give me hugs and kisses and tell me that everything is going to be ok. Someone to go on dates with and have a bit of fun with! My new soul mate. I know that he is out there somewhere, but that I'm not quite ready for any of that yet.
I'm going to focus on getting me better (I'm already doing sooo much better than this time last year!) being the best mum and daughter I can be and finally continuing to help sort out our home - massive progress made already!
At least, I'll continue to do that, when I find where my 'get up and go, has got up and gone to' ;-)

H is for Heartbroken

So, today has not been a great day.
The weather outside is dark and overcast and my mood has reflected this! I have been mooching around in my jammies, ever since I got up (I have no idea what time that was) and I've just been in this 'fug' ever since!
I can't really concentrate and have been blubbing on and off ever since Little Miss went off with her dad for the night. I've been looking at the TV shows and not really knowing what's going on, not really taking anything in. I've read all of my e-mails and been pinning loads of things onto Pinterest for about an hour now, but I don't think I could actually recall what I pinned!
I gave up on watching TV shows and put on some background music and it was when they suddenly switched to love songs (again, no idea what was playing before!) that it suddenly hit me! I was sat listening to Richard Marx sing 'Right here Waiting' - it was Our Song, and it just made me cry even more! That was when I finally worked out, the reason that everything was going rubbish and I have been crying on and off for no reason, is that I'm heartbroken!
My ex came and spent some time with our kids, here, in my house, yesterday, because it was his birthday. I now realise that this was a huge mistake. I should never have let that happen. I should have insisted that he took the kids out, or to his place. Having him, here, as if nothing had ever happened, laughing and joking around has just made me realise that I miss that. I miss having someone to share my life with. I miss having someone who loves me and my kids above all else. I realised how alone I have been feeling lately. I feel as if there is no hope of me ever finding anyone who will love me, as I am mentally ill, and who would want to see past that and get to know me, the real me? I feel hollow and empty. I guess this is what happens when you break up with your first ever love. Because that's what he was. He was my first real boyfriend and now he's gone. He's gone and my heart is shattered.

2014, my year for new beginnings

I have decided to delete my final thoughts for 2013, as it was very negative and I'm trying to focus more on my positives and plans for moving forward.

Very long story short, I am now headed for divorce. My husband left at the end of November and 10 days later started a new relationship.
After a few very stressful months where plans kept changing (don't ask!) we have finally settled on when he will have the kids and how much maintenance he will pay me a month.
I saw my solicitor today and hopefully, we should be able to have a reasonably straight forward divorce. The only problem is going to be finding the money to pay for it! (£1200!)

Anyway, putting this aside, a lot of good things have come out of this really sad change.
I have finally been diagnosed with aspects of bipolar disorder (I do the major depression, but never the manic 'happy happies') and have been given mood stabilisers on top of my normal anti-depressants, which have been working amazingly well! I have managed to bounce back from each little 'bump' over the past couple of months extremely fast - so fast that my health professionals can't quite believe it! I was released really quickly from the crisis team, then by my psych person at the mental health unit and now have a mental health social worker who is setting me up for psychological therapy. All  in less than 2 months - yay me!

With the help of my amazing friend Charlotte and her hubby, we have finally started to sort the chaos in out house! We have moved furniture around downstairs, and boxed everything not essential up (my mum is and major hoarder, so things have to be checked before they can go!) but already such an improvement!
Next job is to finally sort Little Miss's bedroom, so that she can move out of mine ;-)

I have managed to lose 2 stone in weight! (I think stress can work wonders, heehee!)
I am finally out of my maternity jeans, which I am so so proud of! My appetite has shrunk to a much better, healthier one - no more stuffing chocolates (except 'time of the month' when I just need!)
I walk Little Man to school and try to power-walk home - though I nearly slipped on my bum today, due to icy paths! heehee!
I'm trying to go for more walks, with the help of Charlotte again - one booked for tomorrow ;-)

We're having more 'family' meals round the kitchen table. This is something that we (mum and I) have really wanted to do for such a long time and finally, now the table is clearer, we can :-)
I think it's really nice to sit all together, with only music in the background (no TV during meals) and share our thoughts of the day. It also helps teach Little Man more table manners ;-)

I've decided to try the Day Zero Project (thanks to Jennifer's Little World!) as a way of sorting and organising my life, and focusing my plans for the next few years - you get 1001 days to complete 101 challenges!

Well, here's to a bright future for me and my kids!

T is for Time to Change

Those of you who have followed my little blog for a while now will know about my depression and how it affects my life.
Things once again, have not being going very well.
It seems like I take one step forwards and five back. Every time I start to feel better, or more in control something happens and I'm back where I started.
Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to climb up a spiral slide that is covered in grease; sometimes there is a rope to help me with my struggle upward, sometimes the rope is just out of reach and other times it disappears completely. Or that I have this invisible switch in my head that detonates when I'm starting to do better, so that I'm plunged back into the darkness and self-loathing of before.
I really want to get better. To stop relying on mum and hubby to do the majority of things around the house and for the kids. Then this veil of guilt I am suffocating under might finally start to lift.
I just don't know how I am going to make the changes needed to achieve my goal.
I'm so up and down t the moment, it's like being on a horrible roller coaster - I want to get off now!
I'm going to try and write more on my blog, as it really does help to clear my head.
I've also found a new site (thanks to a wonderful friend over at I'm a sparkly unicorn!) called Time to Change.
Time to Change is all about encouraging people to talk about and challenge mental health stigma and discrimination. So I have taken the pledge.
I have no problem in sharing the ups and downs of my journey with depression. I just hope that more people will do the same. The more we talk and share the better! The hopefully people will start to understand more and change their out-dated beliefs and prejudices.
If you're a fellow sufferer, or know someone who suffers from mental illness, here's a big hug from me!

image from here

Things are on the up!

So, I have been quiet for a little bit again - well, not unusual for me ; ) but am finally starting to feel so much better about life and things in general!

On Monday I managed to get up early enough to go with Little man on a Pre-School trip to Beale Park! I was sooo proud of myself! We had a lovely time looking at the animals, then a train ride and a picnic finished the trip perfectly!
I seem to be managing, finally to get to sleep a lot earlier now : ) From falling asleep at any time from 4am - 7am to now around 2ish is fab! Which also allows me to get up earlier and be a 'proper mum' instead of having to rely on mum and hubby all the time. Fingers crossed this keeps on going, as I've had enough of insomnia now ; )

I finally managed to go to the weekly 'ladies what lunch' (with kiddies and babies too!) today - the first time in about 3 months!
It was sooo nice to catch up with my friends and see how much their kiddies have all grown! Also nice for Little man and Little Miss to play and have lots of cuddles!

I have decided that I am a 'Sun' person - I function better when the sun is shining! ; )
Everything seems possible now!
Maybe I'm the kind of person who needs the sun 365 days a year? - maybe I should try Australia / USA / Spain / (somewhere else hot!) 6 months of the year, then UK the other 6 months - I think I could cope with that ; )
I have been thinking for a little while that I have that seasonal dysfunction thingy S.A.D (plus the evil depression) as the winter months seem so much harder for me to cope with!
I'm seeing my doc on Friday, so might have a chat about it with her.

What else have I been up to?
Well, I managed to buy from one of the lovely crafty pages I follow on Facebook, some 'findings' towards my jewellery making project! I just need to save a bit more money for the wire / elastic and basic tools, then I can start creating : )
I am sooooo excited about this now! I am determined that my dream to own my own v v v small craft business is going to happen!! I can make lovely cards (though I need to have a massive sort through the resources and actually start making again!) I can make bags (still need a little more practise to give them an even more professional finish) and add jewellery, I think should make a good little lot of things to sell!

So there we go!
I'm one happy little person at the moment! : )

Is that a speck of light I see at the end of this dark tunnel?

Life has been really pants lately :(
My depression has been spiralling out of control lately, hence the total lack of bloggs from me!
I have now been put on the maximum dose (50) of my meds and things are still not improving :(
I'm being referred back to the mental health unit to see how they can help - big bummer! The doc doesn't quite know what to do with me, as she doesn't want to do something like change my meds and make me even worse!

As things have been a little better today, I thought I'd share a couple of yummy piccies of my gorgeous kiddies, Little Miss is now 5 months and Little man will be 4 next month!! Where has the year gone??

 These were taken last month at their friend's birthday party :)

The other thing that I have decided to try and do (when I actually manage to be awake and alert enough!) is to try and make jewellery and some more of my cards.
I have some gorgeous beads that I bought from jellygiraffe on facebook and am just waiting to find a supplier of the tools and bits 'n' bobs I need to start! I've borrowed a few books from the library and am really quite excited!
So, if they don't look too bad, I may share some creations with you all ;)

What a difference a day makes!

Last night was another nightmare with Sienna. I didn't manage to do any of the feeds, mum did the 2 am one and hubby the 5.30 am one. I just lay on the bed sobbing and wishing that I was dead.
That's the worst thing about depression, the guilt. I feel terrible that I have to rely on family to do the things that I should be doing. I should be able to feed Sienna at any time, day or night. Every time I mention these feelings to mum and hubby, they just shrug it off. I don't think they really understand how bad it makes me feel, to be so useless and such a burden to everyone!
 Add to this, my horrible dreams have started to resurface again, I am once again haunted by my 'man in black'. He is the manifestation of my depression. A seemingly gorgeous, loving ex-boyfriend, who realises he has made a mistake and is sorry and wants me back. He professes everlasting love for all bystanders to see, but only I know that under that facade lurks an evil that wants to destroy me completely. So far, he has thrown me down stairs, pushed me out of a third storey window, hit and punched me, stabbed me and shot me in numerous dreams over the years. Only when I am starting to gain control of my depression again, do I manage to stand up to him and occasionally kick his arse!
Well, as of this afternoon, there's going to be a change in my dreams, it's time for me to kick arse again!

My hubby is amazing and after crying last night that I never do anything and that my existence is pointless, he only went and booked cinema tickets for me and mum to go and watch Les Miserable this afternoon (not his cup of tea, else I'm sure he would have come with me instead).
It was so brilliant and had the same effect that watching Eat, Love, Pray starting Julia Roberts had on me, funnily enough at another time when my depression was bad! It has just given me perspective and made everything seem so clear.
I am going to fight harder and not give up! I have made new plans that I want to achieve this year. I have decided that I want to learn to sew properly (to make clothes for me and my family) and to find a rewarding volunteer job, that would boost my rock-bottom self-esteem. At the moment, the idea of being responsible for anything fills me with dread - I don't think I will be any good at any job out there.

It doesn't help either, that every winter I get so ill (one bug after another, even with the flu jab!) that my depression goes 'ping' and I spiral into more illness. I then end up having so much time off work, that I know people see me as unreliable and probably wish they had never hired me. I hate letting people down all the time.
It also leaves me thinking that if I were to start looking for paid work again, who would want me? I wouldn't want to have someone working for me who is unreliable.Who has such a rubbish immune system, that they catch every bug and then are unable to tell you if they are going to be back at work in a day or a week, as their depression has kicked off as well.
I think I need some professional advice. Will have to get googling! Or, if you have any ideas, please share!
I'll keep you posted on how I'm doing, but I hope that watching Les Mis is the turning point I have been looking for.

Life is really hard at them moment

My depression is really not coping any more :(
Since the last few months of being pregnant, I have hardly had a good nights sleep and now that Sienna has joined us, it has got even worse.
For the first couple of weeks, when hubby was with me, it wasn't too bad and we were just about coping sharing the night feeds and changing her nappy, etc.  However, now that he's back at work (permanent night shift) I managed a few nights with the help of my mum, but now my depression seems to have decided that enough is enough and has gone 'ping'. My body seems to have an 'off' switch when it thinks that everything is too much, it shuts down and all I can do is sleep. I just can't cope with night feeds any more. I can manage up to about 3 am, but then the next feeds at around 4 and 8, I just can't manage at all :'( mum has been brilliant helping me and so has hubby, but I'm left feeling so guilty and worse about myself and how useless I am! I'm so exhausted that I struggle to get up and out of bed before 12, I have been in my jammies for the past 2-3 days as well! When hubby took the kiddies away for the day yesterday to give me a break, all I managed to do was sleep all day long :'(
My bad thoughts and worthless feeling have been growing rapidly lately. We are struggling for money, as hubby is the only one working at the moment, where I had to quit my job because of the problems I had during pregnancy. I think I'm in a really bad place at the moment, as whilst trying to think of ideas to help us make / save money, I considered suicide as a way of saving money - one less mouth to feed!
My family are all struggling with their own tiredness and depression (we all have depression in this house! Me, mum, dad and hubby!!) though mine is chemical, dad's issue based and mum and hubby more to do with the stress and situations going on at the moment. Poor hubby was in tears earlier, he hardly ever cries :( I just want to get back to being 'me' - I feel so lost and sad, bursting into tears at absolutely nothing.
The Health Visitor saw us on Thursday and suggested that I have my antidepressants upped from 30 to 40 for a while. I think that this might be a good idea, as I really need help.
On the plus side, when I am up during the day, I am managing to do quite a bit more than I did when I was pregnant! I can play with Aiden, sort Sienna's feeds and nappy changes, make lunch, help a little with the washing and dishwasher. I just wish I could do more!

I have one happy thing to share, a gorgeous family piccie, taken by my lovely friend Emerald:

Lets hope that I can get back to being more 'me' really soon!

Life has been really up and down!

Wow, I can hardly believe that September has arrived already!
Things have been really up and down at the moment - I feel like I'm on a huge emotional roller coaster!

On the down side, my depression and the pregnancy have been really hard to cope with :(
It's been a really tough few weeks:
 I've been really tired and unable to sleep properly at night (due to needing to wee about 12 times!) My dreams are being plagued again by the horrible man in black (he's the manifestation of my depression) who hurts me and even threw me out of a third storey window!
I've been having arguments with hubby about the amount of times he keeps going out, without even thinking about me or little man, and whether we might like to actually spend some time with him.
I haven't managed to get to therapy in a month, due to illness and not being able to face anyone!
I have been having terrible thoughts about being a burden, not wanting to be here anymore, not being able to see past having baby - it's been like seeing a huge black void, there's been nothing there - no future at all.
Tears a plenty!

Thankfully, the last couple of days have been slightly better!
I completely broke down and told everything to mum (she caught me crying the other night) and I think that has helped a lot. I then talked to hubby and explained how things are bad for me at the moment, so he's being a lot more understanding and thinking about discussing our plans together, before he just goes out, which is brilliant!
The man in black seems to have gone away again, which I am so happy about!!!
Finally, I've had some lovely dreams about the baby and plans for next year!

Not everything has been a total disaster though, as even through the bad times, I have still managed to do quite a few things with little man:
We've made paper mache - which was a disaster, but lots of fun, heehee!
Started going swimming on Saturdays with little man, hubby and mum.
Been to the beach twice (I drove there and back the second time, which was 4 hours in total - I felt very proud!)
We've been playing games like matching pairs / the tray game, completing his Charley Bear sticker magazine (which he got as a treat for how well he's been doing with potty training!) we even had a go at little man's Winnie the Pooh CD-ROM games today.

So there we are. I'm now on the upward climb, hoping that things with continue to improve and level out!

How bad am I?

I just realised that it had been absolutely ages since I have blogged - or even gone near the computer! Bad me!!

I think that since I got my new phone, where I can access facebook, I haven't remembered that e-mails and blogging still require me to get to the computer!!

Anywho, soooo much has happened since I last blogged - so I'll have to do the short version and expand with more posts if needed - with pictures that I can't find at the moment ;)

• Little man is now 3! I can't believe how time flies!! He had a little family outing to the bowling alley and then pizza hut for tea.
• Little man is starting Pre-School in September! I received a letter saying that he has 2 morning and and extra afternoon session a week - I'm soo excited and also really nervous - my little baby is growing up so fast - small sob!
• I have left my job! My depression and the pregnancy have not been getting along together, so something had to give! I'm not really missing work yet, I'm trying to be more useful to everyone around the house instead! Then once baby 2 arrives, I am going to look for lots of help on jobs that would be compatible with my depression!
• Baby 2 is doing really well - I'm now 20 weeks and had my scan this morning :) Just like Little man, this baby was not being 100% cooperative! Little man had his legs crossed and over his head, this baby was lying on his / her tummy! I had to do some jumping (it didn't help) then ended up going for a walk and a drink to nudge baby into turning round, so that the nurse could look properly at her / his heart! We're not finding out if it's a boy or girl!! I've decided girl, whilst everyone else is for boy - probably because ALL of hubby's family are boys ;)

baby at 20 weeks :)

Ok, I can't remember what else has been going on - my brain is so mushy, I am really forgetful at the moment! It can get a little frustrating at times, especially when I'm trying to have a conversation with someone and the words keep escaping me - even the simple ones!!

I am aiming to keep up with my blog a bit better now - especially now I'm a SAHM!

See you later 20's!

I can't believe it, I am going to be 30 tomorrow!It doesn't seem that long ago that I was just finishing school and excited about the thought of going off to Uni and starting the big adventure that has been my 20's!
So many things have happened in the last decade (wow, it seems such a long time when I say it, a whole 10 years!!)

The achievements and good bits:
Completing my 4 year teaching degree (22)
Getting married to my gorgeous hubby (22)
Moving into our first little house (22)
Getting my teaching job (22) - it was a REALLY busy 6 months, heehee!
Giving birth to my amazing Little Man (27)
Getting Little Man Christened (28)
Setting up my own little crafting business (28/29)
Loads of lovely family holidays and outings
Numerous trips and laughs with friends
Beating some phobias - tattoo (for fear of needles), holding a Chilean rose tarantula, holding 2 snakes (though not at the same time, heehee!), completing an aerial assault course!
Finding a part time job and hours that I can manage, whilst still feeling valued and contributing to the family earnings.

The not so god bits:
The last of my grandparents passing away
Depression resurfacing
Having to leave the teaching profession
Having to sell our little home and move back in with my parents
 Loosing touch with some good friends from Uni, though not knowing why - as I repeatedly sent messages, but took the hint when I never got any replies!

So many changes! I can't believe how different I am from my 20 year old self!
I have absolutely no regrets and even the sad events have helped to shape and make me the person I am today.  I feel so much more content and confident in myself and my strengths, rather than someone who always focuses on the negatives!

If I could go back to offer some advice to my 20 year old self it would be to relax and stop stressing so much! That I can't control or plan everything. The future is forever changing and it's not scary, it's the path I'm supposed to travel, even if it's not where I thought I would end up!

I My best friend C and I are having a joint 30th party tomorrow and I'm so excited! We have been friends for about 23 years now, and we had a joint 18th party, (she's 6 days younger than me!)
I will make sure to add lots of piccies!!

So, see you later 20's, hello 30's!

How to boost my immune system

I had a meeting with my boss today, to sort me coming back to work and also, my new 2 shifts a week idea. She had lots of ideas on how to boost my immune system, so I've been researching all afternoon and have no got a list of things I need to do:
Eat more fruit, veg and nuts (I'm not too bad at this already! Though need to buy nuts!)
Eat less sugar (This one is really going to hurt - my chocolate relationship of late has been very very bad!)
Meditate  (I already have a CD to try!)
Socialise more (hmmm... not sure about this yet, but will try to get out and see more people)
Walk dogs (I really like the sound of this and have looked up my local Dogs Trust Centre to contact)
Eat probiotic yoghuts (expensive, so might have to give this one a miss)
Get more vitamin D (nothing to say about this one really!)
Get garlic, echinaccea and ginseng supplements (I think will all these pills, I will rattle!!)
Start using Vitabiotics Immunace (hope to find them cheaply somewhere!)
and finally have more sex! (perfect, as we're still trying for baby no2!)

So there you have it! I think if I manage to do this whole list, if my immune system doesn't pick up then it must be totally broken!!

What a week!

Well, it has been a while since I blogged but with the week I've had I hope you can understand why!I started off with a huge mental melt down - I was back to sobbing and suicidal! I think my poor little body had had just about enough of illness after illness and being exhausted and tired all the time and just flipped an 'off' switch.
Unfortunately I couldn't see my own doctor, so saw another one who signed me off for a whole month!
My boss (already not happy with how much time I've had off for illnesses) wasn't going to be impressed - so anxiety kicked in as well, just to make it all so much worse!
My lovely deputy manager Dave (has similar depression problem) took me for coffee on Monday and really helped! Then I had loads of messages form friends at work, wanting to be there for me too - I felt soo lucky! I managed to turn myself right around again and am now waiting to go back to work!
I decided that it might be a good idea to cut down my hours. I would then be less tired and might be able to do something about making my cards and bags to sell!!

The other decision we made in light of my mental break down was that we really can't afford our lovely Honda CRV (we call her Rhonda!) anymore, big sob! £365 a month is just too much, so we went and looked for a new car today (hubby, mum and dad-in-law) and hubby is in love with a Vauxhall Insignia - which will now be ours on Tuesday! (£213 a month instead - so much better!)

It doesn't end there. oh no - have the excitement of going to the dog races tomorrow with all the family! I can't wait - as I think they are soo cute! I only ever bet a couple of quid per race, but I always have to pick by their names (have no idea about all the odds etc!) so that should be really good. Last time we went, I decided that when I'm older, I am going to enter the adoption programme and adopt a retired race dog :)

So, the week has gone from suicidal, despairing me, to hopeful, content me!
I wonder what next week will bring!?!

starting to feel loads better

I've been signed off for the past 2 weeks, as my emotions from the miscarriage have finally caught up with me! I think physically I had delt with loosing Pip, but went back to work too soon and then my emotions finally caught up and knocked me for six.

The first week, I was back to the dreadful depressive state, where I became a couch potato and rarely got out of my jammies!
Thankfully, this week has seen huge improvements!
I am trying to make sure that I'm up before 10 am every day. I'm keeping to my exercise routine. I've started to make a bag for MiL and a card for little man's childminder whose just had a baby boy! :)

Things are starting to come together again and I am so pleased and relieved!

As soon as little man has gone to nanny's house for the rest of the day, I'm off to more crafting :)
If I finish anything, I'll post later!

Thoughts for 2011 and hopes for 2012

So, as Christmas has passed and time is marching towards 2012, it got me thinking about things that have happened over the year, and what I'm hoping for next year.

Overall, 2011 has been quite a hard year for me and my hubby.

The start of the year was pretty pants. I was still trying to do supply teaching, whilst coping with severe depression. Luckily I came to my senses around Easter time and finally made the huge step and left teaching.

My depression spiralled out of control. I had my meds upped from 20 to 30 and was having psychology. However, from when I was assessed in February, to when I actually got seen in June / July, I had already managed to get myself on the path to 'normal me' again - so yay me for that! Psychology has now given me the tools I need to spot signs that things might be getting bad again and I have a plan to follow, if needed.

During the bad 5 months, we were also living back with my parents and trying to sort out and clear out our old house ready for selling - this took until Easter!! I think my depression was so bad and having a hubby that works nights, made it all take so much longer than we had hoped.

I was unemployed for 3 months - which was really scary, as I went straight from Uni straight into a job.  I doubted myself, I thought I was good for nothing and that I would be unemployed for ever!!

However, August - November were brilliant!
I got a job working as a waitress and I love it! The people I work with are so nice and it's a real team-effort in everything.
My brother-in-law had a baby and got married.
We have had 2 lovely holidays as a family - one week in Okehampton and one in the New Forest.
My little man is benefiting so much from living back with my parents - and I think they love having him -  except when he decides that he wants to see them very early in the morning!! Heehee (his routine is now; get into bed with me and drink his cup of milk. Then he either goes back to sleep in his bed, or goes and wakes up Grannie, depending on his mood and the time of day, heehee!)
I launched my own tiny business called 'Happy Crafting' to benefit me and charity. I haven't made loads yet, but I know I will soon ;)

Unfortunately the year ends in tragedy with the loss of my little Pip. I have now nearly completed miscarrying and hope that it won't last that much longer. I will always see the 19th Dec as the day I lost Pip, even thought I didn't actually have the proper miscarriage until x-mas eve (we didn't know at the time, until the docs explained whilst I was in hospital) In my mind, I had already lost Pip and was therefore so much more prepared for the inevitable, when I found out that it hadn't actually occurred yet. She (I had already started to dream about her) will always have a place in my heart.

So, with much joy and sadness this year, I have started to look forward to 2012 and here's what I have decided to try and achieve:

I really want to get into shape and loose another dress size. I have lots of exercise DvDs and my Wii fit plus, so the plan is to get my butt in gear and work hard!!!

I want to have a huge clear and tidy out. I want to clear out all the rubbish and crap that seems to have taken root in our living room and bedroom - and maybe help my mum in her living room and the spare bedroom.
Then I plan to sort through my clothes and DvDs and little man's clothes and toys ready for storing, selling or to go to charity.

I am going to try my best to make enough bags and cards to actually have a stall at a craft fair and make some money :)

I would like at some point (maybe around Feb / March time) start trying to get pregnant again.
I know I'm not at all ready now, nor will I be in January. I said my goodbye, but I want some breathing space before trying again. I'm also really nervous that I will miscarry again, but I have to have a little faith and hope for the best - what is meant to be, will be.

So, it will be interesting to look back in a few months time and see how I'm doing ;)

Not quite the x-mas eve I expected, but hooray for Christmas Day!

So I spent yesterday (x-mas Eve), in the Sonning / Hurley ward at the Royal Berks hospital :(
I started to have immense pains in my tummy, was lots of blood on my pad (sorry tmi) and felt very dizzy and feint at about 1am. Hubby was out (and his phone died, so I couldn't get hold of him!)
I was talking gibberish (think I was totally delirious!), had managed to get to mum and dad's room, so mum phoned out of hours doc and he came out to me. Eventually I managed to get off the floor for the doc to examine me. He said that I needed to go to hospital and went off to phone for the ambulance.
Hubby came home to find the doc sat in the drive, then to be told that I was being sent to hospital :(

The paramedics were lovely on the journey to hospital and made me feel much better.
We thought that the miscarriage had just got to a bad point, however, when I was examined by the consultant, he said that it was only a possible miscarriage, as my cervix (or something like that) was still closed!!! This got me thinking, where's all the blood since Monday been coming from then??? They can't do scans on the weekend, so they took some bloods and gave me pain killers.
They set me up in a bed and the nurses and docs were all brilliant. I chatted to two lovely ladies in between sleeping and was finally let out at 8pm. I have to go back to hospital on Monday for another blood test and on Wednesday for a scan.

Once home, I spent a lovely evening with my parents and in-laws (hubby and big bro had gone to the x-mas eve curry night) then blood started coming much faster and there were huge clots (sorry again tmi) so we phoned the hospital, as they wanted to know if things got worse again (I don't think they would have let me out, if it hadn't been x-mas day today!) they told me to wait an hour and if it didn't slow, I would have to phone again  and maybe go back to hospital. Thankfully it eventually started to slow down!

So that was probably the worst x-mas eve ever. But, today has been lovely! Little man got us at about 6.30 and we 'rested' and tried to get him back to sleep for an hour, before giving up and opening his pillowcase of pressies from Santa, and stocking from Grannie. His favourite was a Lightning McQueen, that you shake, out down, and then it zooms off!

Little man has been so lucky with all of his new pressies! We've played with his new train set, played his new Fireman Sam 'puter', read new books and he danced along to the singing cuddly dog he got from great nan. He's tried some x-mas dinner - apparently sprouts are 'yukky'! but he liked the carrots and turkey :)

He's now upstairs for a well needed nap and hubby has gone back to bed as well ;)

So, I wanted to end by saying a huge thank you and merry Christmas to all the staff in Sonning / Hurley ward, Royal Berks hospital in Reading, and I hope that the lovely lady who had to stay, gets better really soon and can go home to her family!

I am really trying hard

I'm really trying hard to keep cheerful and positive, especially around little man. I think that he knows something isn't right, as he went straight into my parents room with his milk, instead of coming into my bedroom like he usually does. He's also giving me a little space and playing with Grandad a lot more today - I spent all morning with him watching cbeebies panto and Disney junior! I'm still amazed at how aware he is already.

I tend to have my little cry in the shower of all places!!
I 'm trying to keep my tears to myself, as hubby doesn't like it when I cry, and if I cry in front of mum, she starts crying too!!
I just know that bottling up this pain, won't help. So I'm really proud of how strong I've managed to be around other people.

I hope the pain and blood (sorry gross) stops soon!! At least I've been signed off for a week now, so that should give my emotions and body a bit of time to adjust and get back to normal.

I'm not sure how to get through Christmas though. I don't think I'm the best company and trying to 'put on a happy face' is a lot harder than I thought!!

Goodbye Pip, I love you loads

So, I knew that it was going to happen and now it has started.
Fate has decided that Pip wasn't meant to be, so I started to miscarry this morning.
I am glad that I got to see Pip on the scan and even though 'she' was only with me a few weeks I already adore 'her'.
Pip will always be in my heart and my thoughts.
I love you Pip.

It's time to speak up!

I just read a fantastic post from www.himmethree.blogspot.com all about her experiences with depression (and of course the recent tragedy in sport today, rip Gary Speed).
She most some really good points about how little depression is talked about - it's almost a 'taboo' to say 'I have depression'.
This got me thinking, why is this? People always seem more able to support and empathise with sufferers of illnesses like cancer, diabetes, etc. Why is depression seen so differently?

My first boss (head teacher) and the deputy seemed hell-bent on getting rid of me from the minute I got my depression back (first year of teaching). She didn't seem to have any idea of how best to 'deal' with me. I shall never forget her first words when I told her I had relapsed and was back on medication 'did you mention that when you applied for the job?' implying very clearly that her thoughts ran to, 'had I known this I would never have hired you'.
To help me further, she took me down capability proceedings, due to my long absence in the first year of teaching. I was told that if I had one day of sickness in 4 months (of my 2nd years in teaching), I would be out.
Looking back it makes me furious to think that I was treated like that! It was as if they were doing their level best to get rid of me and showed no support or understanding at all. I've also learned that loads of people who have long term sickness, for way longer than me don't get taken down capability proceedings!!

Thankfully, they both left and the following head teacher and my new boss now in my new career (left teaching, best thing I ever did!!) are so much more understating and help me!

The past year for me has been really bad. My depression spiralled, my self harming escalated and I was contemplating suicide.  Now, with the help of psychology and my amazing family and friends I am finally getting back to being 'me'.

We need to stop feeling ashamed for having depressions, keeping it hidden as our 'dirty little secret'. It is a terrible illness and the more people who share their experiences the better it will be. People need to be educated, sop that fellow sufferers don't get the whole 'get over it / suck it up / etc' thrown in their face when seeking help,or reaching out to others.

So, to all you fellow sufferers / friends of or family member to a sufferer / fortunate to not be connected with the illness at all:
My name is Mel, I've struggled with depression for 12 years and will continue to for the rest of my life. I did nothing wrong, I didn't ask for this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, ever. I am no longer afraid to admit this.