P is for Purpose

Woohoo!
Finally, finally after months and months of having absolutely no clue what I'm doing with my life and where it's headed, I have now found my new 'purpose'!
A while back, ok, so it was probably at least 3 years ago, (she admits sheepishly!) I wrote a little story for Little Man all about the dummy fairy, to help him through the process of letting go of his dummies for good. In the end, he was too young for the story, but I had great fun writing him letters from his dummy fairy and giving him a certificate and gift, in exchange for him filling up the special bag with his dummies for the fairy to take away (find out more here.) I shared the story with a few close family members who really liked it, but then I pretty much forgot all about it.
Anywho, following a lovely catch-up lunch last weekend with my family, I have now decided to re-focus on the story and a few other 'extras' that I have thought of to try and make it into a little business. My godmother (mum's cousin) has been on and on at me to do something with the story since I wrote it, but now I think I am finally in the right place to do something about it! Soo excited!!
I'm trying to think of a good, catchy name for the business (any suggestions most welcome!) and then look out world, here I come, heehee!
So,keep your fingers crossed for me, that it all starts to come together very soon!

What a difference a day makes!

Last night was another nightmare with Sienna. I didn't manage to do any of the feeds, mum did the 2 am one and hubby the 5.30 am one. I just lay on the bed sobbing and wishing that I was dead.
That's the worst thing about depression, the guilt. I feel terrible that I have to rely on family to do the things that I should be doing. I should be able to feed Sienna at any time, day or night. Every time I mention these feelings to mum and hubby, they just shrug it off. I don't think they really understand how bad it makes me feel, to be so useless and such a burden to everyone!
 Add to this, my horrible dreams have started to resurface again, I am once again haunted by my 'man in black'. He is the manifestation of my depression. A seemingly gorgeous, loving ex-boyfriend, who realises he has made a mistake and is sorry and wants me back. He professes everlasting love for all bystanders to see, but only I know that under that facade lurks an evil that wants to destroy me completely. So far, he has thrown me down stairs, pushed me out of a third storey window, hit and punched me, stabbed me and shot me in numerous dreams over the years. Only when I am starting to gain control of my depression again, do I manage to stand up to him and occasionally kick his arse!
Well, as of this afternoon, there's going to be a change in my dreams, it's time for me to kick arse again!

My hubby is amazing and after crying last night that I never do anything and that my existence is pointless, he only went and booked cinema tickets for me and mum to go and watch Les Miserable this afternoon (not his cup of tea, else I'm sure he would have come with me instead).
It was so brilliant and had the same effect that watching Eat, Love, Pray starting Julia Roberts had on me, funnily enough at another time when my depression was bad! It has just given me perspective and made everything seem so clear.
I am going to fight harder and not give up! I have made new plans that I want to achieve this year. I have decided that I want to learn to sew properly (to make clothes for me and my family) and to find a rewarding volunteer job, that would boost my rock-bottom self-esteem. At the moment, the idea of being responsible for anything fills me with dread - I don't think I will be any good at any job out there.

It doesn't help either, that every winter I get so ill (one bug after another, even with the flu jab!) that my depression goes 'ping' and I spiral into more illness. I then end up having so much time off work, that I know people see me as unreliable and probably wish they had never hired me. I hate letting people down all the time.
It also leaves me thinking that if I were to start looking for paid work again, who would want me? I wouldn't want to have someone working for me who is unreliable.Who has such a rubbish immune system, that they catch every bug and then are unable to tell you if they are going to be back at work in a day or a week, as their depression has kicked off as well.
I think I need some professional advice. Will have to get googling! Or, if you have any ideas, please share!
I'll keep you posted on how I'm doing, but I hope that watching Les Mis is the turning point I have been looking for.

This is my life, I can handle it

So, last time I blogged I pledged a load of great things, unfortunately, I have not managed to put a lot of them into action - ok, none of them have happened!The reason for this is as ever, (with me!) I have been bombarded with illness after illness! Currently I am almost over an ear infection with an evil chesty cough and head cold thrown in for good measure!
I have no understanding as to why it always seems to be and my little man (he has the evil cough too - off to doc tomorrow) that seem to get everything thrown at us all of the time? Or we manage to get over one illness, only to be whacked down with the next one!
I read a quote posted on a friends facebook page that said 'you were given this life because you were strong enough to live it' (unknown author) it really got me thinking!
I have also started my reading quest and have just finished 'Pilgrims Progress' by John Bunyan. It was extremely challenging, but I found it really spiritually uplifting.
Put these together, and I have come to accept that this is the life I am supposed to live, because I am the only one who can handle it!
So now, my constant ill health seems like one of the many small challenges I am going to face and deal with in this wonderful weird life that is mine, because I will overcome each and every one that is placed in my way.
I feel so much stronger and happier today. I have found my faith and am grateful for the life I live.
I now just want to make more of an effort to keep my pledges and become the best mum / wife / daughter / friend I can.

Help Harry help others - my new inspiration

The most brilliant thing has happened.I received in the post our bracelets ordered from 'Help Harry Help Others' for Cancer research UK.
Little man loves his 'special' (as he calls it) and has not stopped wearing it!

I am now feeling even more inspired to get my butt into gear!
Looking down at my bracelet reminded me how special and amazing Harry was and what he achieved whilst he was so so poorly. So I have decided that if he can do that, then what is stopping me?
Depression sucks, but it's not going to be in control anymore!
From this day on, I pledge that:

• Happy Crafting is going to make money and help my 2 chosen charities (Mind and MS society)
• I AM going to loose weight and feel better when I look in the mirror!

I decided today that my life long relationship with chocolate, was now going to have to end!
I have also been doing stomach crunches and other mini exercises every night before I go to sleep in the hope to loose my tummy (or at least flatten it a bit!) and I am going to keep this up!
I now have a skipping rope and I can't wait to get out in the fresh air and get started (in the back garden, where no one else can see me! Heehee!) It even has a calories counter :)
I am going to re-new my relationship with Wii fit plus and make it a weekly event, rather than something I do when I remember or really can't sleep!!

If I feel uncertain, lacking in motivation, or doubting my abilities, I am going to look to my beautiful bracelet and remember Harry - my new talisman for bettering myself and never giving up!