I want to live!

I am so fed up. Why do I have to be trapped in this endless cycle?

Once again, I am at the darkest part. I can see nothing but blackness. I am floating through each day, without out feeling any real connection to anything or anyone. Every day just blurs and passes on to the next and the next. There is no light on the horizon, no spark at the end of the tunnel, no silver lining, nothing. There is nothing beyond my own bubble of black misery.

How many times have I been here now? How many times have I dragged myself out of this place? How many times have I been doing really well, only to slip right down to the bottomless pit of depression? Again and again and again. What is the point?

Nothing seems to change, nothing makes a significant difference. No, that’s not right. Nothing makes a lasting difference. I have no energy or fight left in me. Yet I am desperate to have a life. I don’t want to be just existing, just this shell of a person drifting from day to day. I want to be the mum my kids deserve. Not this broken, useless thing that tries to be present to their wants and needs, but fails at every turn. I want to be the daughter my parents deserve, not this useless burden, relying on them for everything and not capable of helping or giving anything in return.

I want to be a useful person in society, not this benefit dependent leech, this drain on society, with no income of my own. Who would employ me? I certainly wouldn’t. Who would want such an unstable, unpredictable person who will always end up on sick notes and draining your profits, with nothing to show for it? I guess I’m afraid. Afraid of letting people down. Afraid of becoming a financial burden on a company paying me to be on permanent sick leave; where each of my jobs has always ended up.

The worst of this is that I am imprisoned in this horrendous place, not by society or family or friends. No, the only person I have to blame for my predicament, is myself. I am the one with such expectations of what I should be doing. I am the one who seems to ignite a self-destruct fuse every time it looks like I am anywhere near the verge of feeling content with my life. I am the one who puts up barriers to prevent me from doing things I should or want to be doing. Why though? When I wouldn’t dream of doing that to another living creature, is my subconscious content to allow me to inflict this on myself? Why do I seem to have no control? I have all of the tools, knowledge and understanding, learnt from years of 1:1 therapy, plus mentalization and mindfulness groups work, so why am I still stuck?

Why is it that all I can manage to do is wake up each day, eat, drink, have the TV on some show that I can’t concentrate on and then repeat the next day and the next. Is this what my life is going to be like from now on? I have so many ideas and hopes and dreams of things I could be doing; to earn money (making cards, jewellery, ‘the dummy fairy’ story, calligraphy) things I could be doing around the house to help my parents, or to be there for my kids. I have all the ideas, but none of the drive or motivation to achieve anything. It is pathetic to think that just having a shower and getting out of my pj’s at the moment is a humungous achievement. I look at other parents and families and I’m just so jealous. I’m jealous of all the school runs they do without thinking, when for me it is a massive deal to do one morning a week. I am envious of all the posts I read on facebook of parents having fun with their kids; at the park, baking cakes, anything really, when all I seem able to do is sit on the sofa and watch.

I grieve for the loss of myself! I once was a full time primary teacher. I had a house of my own, a husband and hobbies, that I actually did and enjoyed. Slowly over the years that person has been killed off, little by little with each turn in the depression cycle. I no longer recognise the person I have become as ‘me’. I just feel like an empty vessel; exhausted of all useful substance, completely barren and isolated from the world.

I pray so hard for a way forward. A way out of this endless misery. I crave that motivation and spark that I miss so much. I don’t want to just exist anymore. I want to live! But how?

This is me.

So, for yet another time in my life, I have hit rock-bottom. Not surprising since I have just had my divorce through, found out The Ex is engaged and now also has a baby on the way!
Things got so bad that my depression pinged and the kids have been staying with their dad (well more like his parents!) since last Thursday night when I fell apart. They are going to keep the kids with them until Thursday and I am so so grateful - flowers, choccies and beers will def be sent as a huge thank you!!

So now, I have finally got my butt out of bed and washed and dressed, I have decided that it is time to take a long hard look at myself; who am I? What do I want / need? etc. I think usually I start making these elaborate 'Plans' of what I'm going to do next and focus on next, without ever bothering to take a look at the starting point! Usually, my plans start really well, but then run out of steam pretty soon, (usually because I get ill again!) Maybe I expect too much of myself, and set unrealistic goals? Maybe I think of too many 'projects' and things I want to sort and change, giving me too much to cope with? Whatever the reason, I am now ready to face who I am. I'm also scared and a bit emotional (thanks depression!!) at what I think I am now!

Ok, no more putting it off....

This is me:

I am 32. I've not got a problem with age, thankfully! It's just a number. You know the old saying  'you're as old as you feel' well I can actually make that a bad thing! I can often feel about my actual age on a good day, but mostly I feel like I'm 85, tired and totally worn out!

I have 2 children. I'm a mum, a SAHM. I often think I am a rubbish mum. I don't have the energy or patience I want to have and think I need in order to be a good mum. I love my kids and they mean the world to me, but  I need a break from them from time to time. This is the first real break I've had from my kids in term time, ever. I do my best, but it's not good enough at the moment, I always want to do more. My Little Man is still dealing with his dad leaving our home, but he's getting there. My Little Miss is finding her independence and just has so much energy that I can't keep up! I know I am blessed to have them, having suffered a miscarriage, but I feel like I'm letting them down at the moment.

I live with my parents. I am so blessed and grateful to have my amazing parents here, supporting me. My mum is amazing, especially by helping with the kids, but she too has reached breaking point. This break from the kids will benefit all of us really! Also, it will allow the guilt of putting even more pressure on my poor mum, where she has to do what I can't, to have a break too! Living at home is brilliant, but I often feel like I'm not a 'real mum' as I don't run the house, or make the decisions, for example, buying groceries or what we are going to have for dinner - all those little annoying things that 'normal' mums do, I don't. I think I've sat back and accepted that my mum makes the decisions - she does like to be in control of things, so I let her and just go with the flow. I want to have more of a say, to help out more and do more. In time I think I will.

I have some serious problems. Depression - it has been coming along and kicking me off balance now for the past 15 years and I hate it! I hate how every time I seem to finally be getting better something will happen and back my depression drags me, right back to the bottom of the spiral. Back into the darkness, where I have to claw my way up the slippery slope, back towards the light and a happier place. It is exhausting living in this cycle! A lot of the time, I just think, 'why bother, why not end it now?' but I'm too much of a coward to listen to that negative voice and actually act on it - thank God!
Self-harming. I have been attacking my skin since I was about 12 years old, when I got bullied. It is routine, it happens daily and can escalate when I'm doing really bad. It happens more when I'm stressed. I think it might be a bit of ocd, as any imperfection I see on my skin - spot, mark, pimple has to go. A doctor told me once that he thought I had something called 'dermatitis atrefacta' but it never really went anywhere. I can't stop it, I've tried. At the moment, I attack my chest, face and left arm, but occasionally my legs too. It sucks, as I know that each time I pick my skin, I am re-infecting it and so the cycle keeps going!

I am over weight. I hate this, but I have started to work on it. Since The Ex left, I have lost about 3 stone in weight (mostly due to stress!) I have tried to improve my diet and exercise more (eating better, cutting out diet pepsi, started kickboxing), but at the moment, I am emotionally eating and have become a couch potato!

I am unemployed and on benefits. I hate this so so much! I want to be able to provide for my family myself, but my health prevents me. I hate knowing that if only I was better now, then my new life could finally begin! I want to work so badly and I would do anything, absolutely any job, as long as it gave me a chance to earn 'my own' money, I would do it! But then I think, who would want to employ me, when there are hundreds of healthy, fit, reliable people out there also looking for a job? I desperately want to do something to help others - like voluntary work, but I'm scared. I'm scared that no one will want me. I'm scared of having any responsibility at all, in case I let them down.

I think I'm lonely. I am blessed with amazing friends and family, but since The Ex left me, there has been a hole in my heart. An ache that comes from losing who I thought was the love of my life. He's been part of my whole adult life, we had been together since I was 17 and he was my first real boyfriend! So I think lonely and heartbroken pretty much suit my situation!

Ok, it's not all doom and gloom! I do have a couple of things I do like about myself ;-)

 I have cool eyes that change colour dramatically. Depending on my mood or what I'm wearing, my eyes change from bright blue, to greeny-blue to bluey-grey. Most of the time, I have a bluey-green colour, but very happy me is bright blue and the total opposite is bluey-grey! Thankfully, I don't often have bluey-grey coloured eyes!

I believe in God and am a Christian. I love Jesus and am trying to live my life in a way that reflects my beliefs. I am very early in my Christian journey, but for the first time in such a long time, knowing that God loves me and protects me, has made me a little less afraid of the world! I pray every night, and have a long list of friends and family who I ask God to give an extra special blessing to - it grows continually ;-) I go to Church as often as I can, usually when I am well enough to wake up early enough to make it! I am working towards my Confirmation in November and I am so excited! I have been reading the Bible and learning lots of new things, but I want to have a bigger Christian life than just reading and praying! I want to join the Christian community and help others and learn more about being a Christian!

I want to help others. I know there are many in this world who are in need, that I have more things than most; a home, food, clothes, family, friends so lots to be grateful for! Being on benefits, I feel morally wrong spending 'other people's' money on charities, even though I feel they deserve it! I have limited myself to putting spare change in charity boxes and spending £8 a year supporting the British Red Cross.
I also try to help by donating to charity shops. Every time we tidy and sort a room in the house, unwanted things are bagged and donated to one of the charity shops in town. The only things that are kept to sell are big items that belong to my mum! I'm not one for trying to squeeze every last penny out of my unwanted things, by selling them on Ebay or Facebook. If I don't want it and it can be of use to someone, then off to charity it goes!
Finally I am a big believer in trying to help change things in the world. I know I can't make a big difference, but if by signing my name to a petition I feel strongly about, or sending a letter to my local MP helps someone in the world, then sign away I do! I have a number of sites that I get sent petitions from Avaaz, Care2, SumOfUs and 38 Degrees. I can't believe some of the shocking things I have seen happening around the word! I hope that by signing and sharing these causes with others, then changes can start to happen and the lives of others get better!

I keep trying to improve myself. I read lots of amazing bloggs and follow lots of inspirational people on Pinterest and Facebook to learn new crafts, or parenting tips, or positive thinking! I google all kinds of things, but mostly methods to help me be a better mum. I have pages and pages on Pinterest of all the things I want to do - crafts, activities for my kids, places I want to visit, recipes I want to cook. I have my Day Zero Project to keep me going and trying new things. I may get knocked down for a bit, but I keep trying to get better, I haven't yet given up!

I think I am feeling a bit better since I began writing this post! I know I have some difficult things going on in my life at the moment, but there are also plenty of positives!

To summarise my dreadful waffle (sorry about that!)

I'm a 32 year old, stay at home mum of 2 children, who lives with her parents. I have severe depression and self harm, this makes it hard for me to work and so I'm unemployed and live off benefits. I have just come out of a relationship, so I'm feeling lonely and a bit heartbroken. I have hit rock bottom, but there are still things to be positive about! I am a Christian, who likes to help others and I have funky eyes that change colour ;-) I have more than most and just want to get better so I can earn my own money to support my family. I have a lot to give if I am brave enough to try, and I know that I will always keep trying to improve my life and others!

This is where I will be looking back to in 6 months time to see what has changed - hopefully quite a lot!

What is wrong with me?!?

I 'm feeling so disappointed with myself!
I have got a whole week, kiddie free (they're spending half term with their dad, on holiday) and so far, I have done NOTHING!
Why, why WHY!?!
What is wrong with me?
I have all of these big projects that need doing and even some little ones, but as yet, my motivation has not appeared! I am totally ashamed of myself!
What is it going to take to get me off my big butt and into action?
I must be the world's most lazy and selfish person, ever!
I have got to get my self together, I have been so excited about these projects - especially sorting out Little Misses bedroom, so what is stopping me?
I am amazing at making all of the lists and getting things for the projects, so why can't I just get on with it? I mean, I am writing this as another form of 'avoidance' - bad me, bad, bad, bad!
Ok, I can do this! I am going to get off my lazy bum and do something, anything! As long as it involves not sitting on the sofa watching the telly, or 'killing time' on my laptop!
Move it, move it MOVE IT!!!