Saturday 16 December 2017

D is for Depression

So, things have not been going great at the moment.
Little man has been struggling with anger, low self esteem and even suicidal thoughts! Thankfully with the help of our doc, the school welfare officer, young carers and family resources (who have changed their name to something I don't remember!) he is getting the help he needs!

We have all been working really hard at home too to try and help him focus his anger in a more constructive way, rather than the throwing and trashing his room, like he had been doing.
It breaks my heart to think that my not even 8 year old has obviously inherited my depressive traits 😢

He has already had so much go on in his little life - parents separating and then divorcing; being bullied this whole year; his daddy's fast approaching wedding. Plus having absolutely no self-esteem or self-worth; he believes that he is useless and stupid! I can totally see why he feels the way he does!

All of this has also impacted on my own depression.
I feel dreadful for being such a useless mum all of the time. I feel guilty of the added pressure my failings incur on my family - especially my mum, who takes on all of the jobs I should be doing.
'Should be doing' such a small phrase that has such an impact on my life. I just can't stop beating myself up about all of the things I should be doing all of the time. I should be doing ALL of the school runs, not just the ones in the afternoon because I'm unable to get up early enough due to terrible insomnia. I should be doing the washing, sorting the dishwasher and cleaning the house - not leaving it to my mum do, or it being completed spiradically when I finally have the energy and motivation to do it. That's the other problem I have, no energy.

I don't think people have any idea of some of the worst issues depression causes. It is beyond crap!
I spend days just sitting in my jammies hearing the telly but not really taking anything in. Having absolutely no energy because I wake up just as tired as when I finally managed to fall asleep in the wee hours of the morning. Having the belief that I am useless and a failure, so no motivation or drive to achieve anything anymore. A mind that just feels empty. Trying to keep up with my kids when I just can't concentrate on anything. I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy.

I am struggling at the moment. I am teary all the time - tears keep leaking down my cheeks, for no reason at all. I am supremely sensitive and seem to be taking seemingly innocent comments as personal attacks. I don't see any point or purpose in my existance anymore. Oh and if that wasn't bad enough, I have now taken to comfort eating, so you can add weight gain and feeling like a disgusting blob to my lovely list.

I can see why Little Man is struggling too. I remember when I was 5 I went almost anorexic because my childminder made an off-hand comment that if I kept eating like I did, I would end up like my mum. She was quite a big lady back then. So I just stopped eating. Took quite a while for me to understand that eating normally - like we always did, would not make me fat. One little comment and my whole world turned upside down. I worry that maybe Little Man has picked up some comment from someone (maybe even me) said in haste.

1 comment:

I welcome all comments, and will always reply as soon as I can! xxx