Saturday, 2 February 2013

Life is really hard at them moment

My depression is really not coping any more :(
Since the last few months of being pregnant, I have hardly had a good nights sleep and now that Sienna has joined us, it has got even worse.
For the first couple of weeks, when hubby was with me, it wasn't too bad and we were just about coping sharing the night feeds and changing her nappy, etc.  However, now that he's back at work (permanent night shift) I managed a few nights with the help of my mum, but now my depression seems to have decided that enough is enough and has gone 'ping'. My body seems to have an 'off' switch when it thinks that everything is too much, it shuts down and all I can do is sleep. I just can't cope with night feeds any more. I can manage up to about 3 am, but then the next feeds at around 4 and 8, I just can't manage at all :'( mum has been brilliant helping me and so has hubby, but I'm left feeling so guilty and worse about myself and how useless I am! I'm so exhausted that I struggle to get up and out of bed before 12, I have been in my jammies for the past 2-3 days as well! When hubby took the kiddies away for the day yesterday to give me a break, all I managed to do was sleep all day long :'(
My bad thoughts and worthless feeling have been growing rapidly lately. We are struggling for money, as hubby is the only one working at the moment, where I had to quit my job because of the problems I had during pregnancy. I think I'm in a really bad place at the moment, as whilst trying to think of ideas to help us make / save money, I considered suicide as a way of saving money - one less mouth to feed!
My family are all struggling with their own tiredness and depression (we all have depression in this house! Me, mum, dad and hubby!!) though mine is chemical, dad's issue based and mum and hubby more to do with the stress and situations going on at the moment. Poor hubby was in tears earlier, he hardly ever cries :( I just want to get back to being 'me' - I feel so lost and sad, bursting into tears at absolutely nothing.
The Health Visitor saw us on Thursday and suggested that I have my antidepressants upped from 30 to 40 for a while. I think that this might be a good idea, as I really need help.
On the plus side, when I am up during the day, I am managing to do quite a bit more than I did when I was pregnant! I can play with Aiden, sort Sienna's feeds and nappy changes, make lunch, help a little with the washing and dishwasher. I just wish I could do more!

I have one happy thing to share, a gorgeous family piccie, taken by my lovely friend Emerald:

Lets hope that I can get back to being more 'me' really soon!

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