Last night was another nightmare with Sienna. I didn't manage to do any of the feeds, mum did the 2 am one and hubby the 5.30 am one. I just lay on the bed sobbing and wishing that I was dead.
That's the worst thing about depression, the guilt. I feel terrible that I have to rely on family to do the things that I should be doing. I should be able to feed Sienna at any time, day or night. Every time I mention these feelings to mum and hubby, they just shrug it off. I don't think they really understand how bad it makes me feel, to be so useless and such a burden to everyone!
Add to this, my horrible dreams have started to resurface again, I am once again haunted by my 'man in black'. He is the manifestation of my depression. A seemingly gorgeous, loving ex-boyfriend, who realises he has made a mistake and is sorry and wants me back. He professes everlasting love for all bystanders to see, but only I know that under that facade lurks an evil that wants to destroy me completely. So far, he has thrown me down stairs, pushed me out of a third storey window, hit and punched me, stabbed me and shot me in numerous dreams over the years. Only when I am starting to gain control of my depression again, do I manage to stand up to him and occasionally kick his arse!
Well, as of this afternoon, there's going to be a change in my dreams, it's time for me to kick arse again!
My hubby is amazing and after crying last night that I never do anything and that my existence is pointless, he only went and booked cinema tickets for me and mum to go and watch Les Miserable this afternoon (not his cup of tea, else I'm sure he would have come with me instead).
It was so brilliant and had the same effect that watching Eat, Love, Pray starting Julia Roberts had on me, funnily enough at another time when my depression was bad! It has just given me perspective and made everything seem so clear.
I am going to fight harder and not give up! I have made new plans that I want to achieve this year. I have decided that I want to learn to sew properly (to make clothes for me and my family) and to find a rewarding volunteer job, that would boost my rock-bottom self-esteem. At the moment, the idea of being responsible for anything fills me with dread - I don't think I will be any good at any job out there.
It doesn't help either, that every winter I get so ill (one bug after another, even with the flu jab!) that my depression goes 'ping' and I spiral into more illness. I then end up having so much time off work, that I know people see me as unreliable and probably wish they had never hired me. I hate letting people down all the time.
It also leaves me thinking that if I were to start looking for paid work again, who would want me? I wouldn't want to have someone working for me who is unreliable.Who has such a rubbish immune system, that they catch every bug and then are unable to tell you if they are going to be back at work in a day or a week, as their depression has kicked off as well.
I think I need some professional advice. Will have to get googling! Or, if you have any ideas, please share!
I'll keep you posted on how I'm doing, but I hope that watching Les Mis is the turning point I have been looking for.