So, today has not been a great day.
The weather outside is dark and overcast and my mood has reflected this! I have been mooching around in my jammies, ever since I got up (I have no idea what time that was) and I've just been in this 'fug' ever since!
I can't really concentrate and have been blubbing on and off ever since Little Miss went off with her dad for the night. I've been looking at the TV shows and not really knowing what's going on, not really taking anything in. I've read all of my e-mails and been pinning loads of things onto Pinterest for about an hour now, but I don't think I could actually recall what I pinned!
I gave up on watching TV shows and put on some background music and it was when they suddenly switched to love songs (again, no idea what was playing before!) that it suddenly hit me! I was sat listening to Richard Marx sing 'Right here Waiting' - it was Our Song, and it just made me cry even more! That was when I finally worked out, the reason that everything was going rubbish and I have been crying on and off for no reason, is that I'm heartbroken!
My ex came and spent some time with our kids, here, in my house, yesterday, because it was his birthday. I now realise that this was a huge mistake. I should never have let that happen. I should have insisted that he took the kids out, or to his place. Having him, here, as if nothing had ever happened, laughing and joking around has just made me realise that I miss that. I miss having someone to share my life with. I miss having someone who loves me and my kids above all else. I realised how alone I have been feeling lately. I feel as if there is no hope of me ever finding anyone who will love me, as I am mentally ill, and who would want to see past that and get to know me, the real me? I feel hollow and empty. I guess this is what happens when you break up with your first ever love. Because that's what he was. He was my first real boyfriend and now he's gone. He's gone and my heart is shattered.