I have decided to delete my final thoughts for 2013, as it was very negative and I'm trying to focus more on my positives and plans for moving forward.
Very long story short, I am now headed for divorce. My husband left at the end of November and 10 days later started a new relationship.
After a few very stressful months where plans kept changing (don't ask!) we have finally settled on when he will have the kids and how much maintenance he will pay me a month.
I saw my solicitor today and hopefully, we should be able to have a reasonably straight forward divorce. The only problem is going to be finding the money to pay for it! (£1200!)
Anyway, putting this aside, a lot of good things have come out of this really sad change.
I have finally been diagnosed with aspects of bipolar disorder (I do the major depression, but never the manic 'happy happies') and have been given mood stabilisers on top of my normal anti-depressants, which have been working amazingly well! I have managed to bounce back from each little 'bump' over the past couple of months extremely fast - so fast that my health professionals can't quite believe it! I was released really quickly from the crisis team, then by my psych person at the mental health unit and now have a mental health social worker who is setting me up for psychological therapy. All in less than 2 months - yay me!
With the help of my amazing friend Charlotte and her hubby, we have finally started to sort the chaos in out house! We have moved furniture around downstairs, and boxed everything not essential up (my mum is and major hoarder, so things have to be checked before they can go!) but already such an improvement!
Next job is to finally sort Little Miss's bedroom, so that she can move out of mine ;-)
I have managed to lose 2 stone in weight! (I think stress can work wonders, heehee!)
I am finally out of my maternity jeans, which I am so so proud of! My appetite has shrunk to a much better, healthier one - no more stuffing chocolates (except 'time of the month' when I just need!)
I walk Little Man to school and try to power-walk home - though I nearly slipped on my bum today, due to icy paths! heehee!
I'm trying to go for more walks, with the help of Charlotte again - one booked for tomorrow ;-)
We're having more 'family' meals round the kitchen table. This is something that we (mum and I) have really wanted to do for such a long time and finally, now the table is clearer, we can :-)
I think it's really nice to sit all together, with only music in the background (no TV during meals) and share our thoughts of the day. It also helps teach Little Man more table manners ;-)
I've decided to try the Day Zero Project (thanks to Jennifer's Little World!) as a way of sorting and organising my life, and focusing my plans for the next few years - you get 1001 days to complete 101 challenges!
Well, here's to a bright future for me and my kids!
Tuesday, 14 January 2014
Friday, 20 December 2013
Listography: top 5 personal achievements of 2013
Oooh another lovely Listography this week, achievements this time. (check out Kate takes 5, to view and share your own!)
1. My gorgeous Little Miss arrived 6th January! Even though she was late, she was my little miracle, as my hubby's family only ever have boys! Plus I managed on gas and air only, as I didn't have time for pethidine like I wanted, heehee!
2. I finally made my first pieces of jewellery - something I've wanted to do for ages :-)
3. I have finally found my spiritual self and am the happiest I've been in so long. I'm now a 'born again' (don't know if that's the right term?) Christian and feel so much more calm and at peace! Been especially important in recent troubled times! I'm looking forward to hopefully getting Confirmed some time in 2014!
(Ok, I'm struggling a bit to think of 2 more, might have to come back in a bit!)
4. I'm no longer afraid of the future!
Since leaving teaching back in 2010 / 2011 I have felt really lost, as it was my 'plan' for my future since I was 5! I was married, had Little man and had no clue where I was going, which was such a new experience it completely freaked me out! All of my life-long plans were either fulfilled or no longer applicable!
Due to some really hard times in the last month, (which I'll blog about soon), I have found my inner strength at last and am actually looking forward to the multitude of opportunities my future could hold!
5. I have finally started winning with my ongoing battle of severe depression and post-natal depression. (Will blog in more detail soon) but v long story short, my new meds are working brilliantly :-D Have finally started to feel like 'me' again!
Looking back, a strange mix of achievements, but at least I managed to achieve something ;-)
1. My gorgeous Little Miss arrived 6th January! Even though she was late, she was my little miracle, as my hubby's family only ever have boys! Plus I managed on gas and air only, as I didn't have time for pethidine like I wanted, heehee!
2. I finally made my first pieces of jewellery - something I've wanted to do for ages :-)
3. I have finally found my spiritual self and am the happiest I've been in so long. I'm now a 'born again' (don't know if that's the right term?) Christian and feel so much more calm and at peace! Been especially important in recent troubled times! I'm looking forward to hopefully getting Confirmed some time in 2014!
(Ok, I'm struggling a bit to think of 2 more, might have to come back in a bit!)
4. I'm no longer afraid of the future!
Since leaving teaching back in 2010 / 2011 I have felt really lost, as it was my 'plan' for my future since I was 5! I was married, had Little man and had no clue where I was going, which was such a new experience it completely freaked me out! All of my life-long plans were either fulfilled or no longer applicable!
Due to some really hard times in the last month, (which I'll blog about soon), I have found my inner strength at last and am actually looking forward to the multitude of opportunities my future could hold!
5. I have finally started winning with my ongoing battle of severe depression and post-natal depression. (Will blog in more detail soon) but v long story short, my new meds are working brilliantly :-D Have finally started to feel like 'me' again!
Looking back, a strange mix of achievements, but at least I managed to achieve something ;-)
Wednesday, 27 November 2013
Listography - Oh I have missed you!!
The wonderful Kate over at Kate takes 5 has started her Listography going again! So so exciting!
This week she is being helped by older single mum and the theme is guilty pleasures! (take two!)
I wasn't blogging the first time this theme was shared, but even if you were, it's still a chance to have a look back and see if any have changed!
Don't forget to check out some of the other lists and maybe add your own!
So here we go, my top 5 guilty pleasures: (all images from google search)
1) Johnny Depp! Mmmmm...
I just think he's not only gorgeous, but such a great actor too! My favourite character he plays is Jack Sparrow, he just makes me laugh and for some weird reason I think he's yummy!! This guilty pleasure has caused slight embarrassment, as I follow a fan page on facebook and have had to cut down on the amount of yummy pictures I kept sharing, as I annoyed a few friends - woops! To be fair they were men, so perhaps they just don't understand, heehee! (even more secret, is sometimes I still post loads, but just to show on my own page, heehee!)
2) Nutella, eaten from the jar with a spoon!
3) Freshly baked treats! I'm really sneaky and have to try a cookie / cake/ whatever I've baked before anyone else! I justify it as quality testing ;-)
4) Spicy coated nut cracker thingies.
If you have a Co-op, that's where I found them. They're similar to Japanese rice cracker nuts, but way way better! I can eat a whole packet (or 2!) all to myself! They aren't huge packets, but I still hate sharing!
5) Ice cream! This is saved for when I'm feeling really rubbish! It depends on my mood as to which flavour I have; the top favourites at the moment are Ben and Jerry's Phish Food, Caramel Chew Chew or Karamel Sutra.
These are usually devoured in one evening!! (V bad!) Only very occasionally can I restrain myself and save some for another day ;-)
So there you go, my guilty pleasures!
Off to have a look at some other lists :-)
Wednesday, 13 November 2013
Becoming a better mum
Where I have been so poorly lately, I have had time to take stock of the many, many, many things that I am not satisfied with in my life. (I am very good at this!)
I have started to look at key areas that I want to work at improving; my negative attitude, being a better mum, being a better wife, pulling my weight with household chores.
I am a great believer in learning from others. So I have signed up for a few different things to help me get started.
This post is about the start of my journey to becoming a better mum.
I have been doing lots of research and pinning tips on my 'kids: parenting tips' board on Pinterest (did I tell you I love Pinterest? Well, just in case I didn't, I love love LOVE Pinterest!)
I have been talking to friends and family, chatting about issues on Facebook etc. This has been really helpful and has also reassured me that I'm not alone! We are all facing similar things with our children and can support each other through each little difficulty!
From these great 'pools of knowledge' I have been trying a few things already:
Using 'listening ears'.
This works a lot better than asking Little Man things over and over and getting more and more annoyed when he doesn't respond! This tip came from Little Man's auntie and I am sooo grateful!
Now, when I want Little Man's attention, I ask him if he's got his Listening ears on (and sometimes we wait for him to turn them on :-) ) before I try and explain what I want him to do.
Yes, sometimes I still have to repeat myself, but I get a lot less stressed ;-)
A little attention is better than none!
A family friend pointed this out to me and it is so simple and works great!
As you know I struggle with ongoing depression and this can cause extreme fatigue and lack of motivation to do anything!
My friend pointed out that even though I can't do lots of thing with the kids, I can still do little things, even when I 'm curled on the sofa in my jammies! So simple, I couldn't believe I hadn't tried it before!
So now, Little Man and I have had great fun running cars all over my legs and the sofa; playing with his action figures, making music with whatever toys we can find at the time to bop, snuggling up watching movies or sharing books, all from the comfort of the sofa!
With Little Miss I can do lots of singing and rhymes with her sat on my lap. She adores rocking back and forth, so 'Row, row, row your boat' and 'See-saw' are firm favourites! I can also sit and hold her hands whilst she stands between my legs, usually rocking back and forth some more! It's even better when Little Man or mum join in the singing too ;-)
If I'm feeling a little better, or able to push myself, I play with the kids on the floor. We spend time doing puzzles or drawing, my favourites are playing with balloons, or our crazy dance sessions, - Little Man has some great moves ;-)
I'm also trying hard to play with Little Man in his play kitchen up in his bedroom when he asks. Today we made a 3 course meal for Tam the Tiger and Big white Bear! This included soup, followed by roasted toys and finally strawberries and custard!
So before when I would just say, 'I'm too tired / too ill to play' or 'Go and play with Grandad / Grannie / Daddy' I'm trying more and more to push myself and play little games myself! The best bit is I'm having fun too which helps improve my low mood :-)
The other thing I decided to do was to sign up for a parenting course over at Netmums
I'm now receiving e-mails with more great advice and tips to help me get better and better!
My 'homework' is to:
Try and praise everyone in my family; for the things they do and for just being themselves!
Create and complete a Kindness Chart. For this, we have to work together and look for all the kind and helpful things we are doing, and nominate each other to colour a section of the chart. When the chart is complete, we get a family treat! The thing that I really love about this idea is that it's about working together. There are no names on the chart, so it won't create competition or smug / defeated feelings.
My next e-mail on this course is discipline - the area I find the hardest to get right!
Next time I'll try and share the other web page I've joined up to, and how it's teaching me to Fly!
I have started to look at key areas that I want to work at improving; my negative attitude, being a better mum, being a better wife, pulling my weight with household chores.
I am a great believer in learning from others. So I have signed up for a few different things to help me get started.
This post is about the start of my journey to becoming a better mum.
I have been doing lots of research and pinning tips on my 'kids: parenting tips' board on Pinterest (did I tell you I love Pinterest? Well, just in case I didn't, I love love LOVE Pinterest!)
I have been talking to friends and family, chatting about issues on Facebook etc. This has been really helpful and has also reassured me that I'm not alone! We are all facing similar things with our children and can support each other through each little difficulty!
From these great 'pools of knowledge' I have been trying a few things already:
Using 'listening ears'.
This works a lot better than asking Little Man things over and over and getting more and more annoyed when he doesn't respond! This tip came from Little Man's auntie and I am sooo grateful!
Now, when I want Little Man's attention, I ask him if he's got his Listening ears on (and sometimes we wait for him to turn them on :-) ) before I try and explain what I want him to do.
Yes, sometimes I still have to repeat myself, but I get a lot less stressed ;-)
A little attention is better than none!
A family friend pointed this out to me and it is so simple and works great!
As you know I struggle with ongoing depression and this can cause extreme fatigue and lack of motivation to do anything!
My friend pointed out that even though I can't do lots of thing with the kids, I can still do little things, even when I 'm curled on the sofa in my jammies! So simple, I couldn't believe I hadn't tried it before!
So now, Little Man and I have had great fun running cars all over my legs and the sofa; playing with his action figures, making music with whatever toys we can find at the time to bop, snuggling up watching movies or sharing books, all from the comfort of the sofa!
With Little Miss I can do lots of singing and rhymes with her sat on my lap. She adores rocking back and forth, so 'Row, row, row your boat' and 'See-saw' are firm favourites! I can also sit and hold her hands whilst she stands between my legs, usually rocking back and forth some more! It's even better when Little Man or mum join in the singing too ;-)
If I'm feeling a little better, or able to push myself, I play with the kids on the floor. We spend time doing puzzles or drawing, my favourites are playing with balloons, or our crazy dance sessions, - Little Man has some great moves ;-)
I'm also trying hard to play with Little Man in his play kitchen up in his bedroom when he asks. Today we made a 3 course meal for Tam the Tiger and Big white Bear! This included soup, followed by roasted toys and finally strawberries and custard!
So before when I would just say, 'I'm too tired / too ill to play' or 'Go and play with Grandad / Grannie / Daddy' I'm trying more and more to push myself and play little games myself! The best bit is I'm having fun too which helps improve my low mood :-)
The other thing I decided to do was to sign up for a parenting course over at Netmums
 |
| find details here |
I'm now receiving e-mails with more great advice and tips to help me get better and better!
My 'homework' is to:
Try and praise everyone in my family; for the things they do and for just being themselves!
Create and complete a Kindness Chart. For this, we have to work together and look for all the kind and helpful things we are doing, and nominate each other to colour a section of the chart. When the chart is complete, we get a family treat! The thing that I really love about this idea is that it's about working together. There are no names on the chart, so it won't create competition or smug / defeated feelings.
My next e-mail on this course is discipline - the area I find the hardest to get right!
Next time I'll try and share the other web page I've joined up to, and how it's teaching me to Fly!
Monday, 11 November 2013
T is for Time to Change
Those of you who have followed my little blog for a while now will know about my depression and how it affects my life.
Things once again, have not being going very well.
It seems like I take one step forwards and five back. Every time I start to feel better, or more in control something happens and I'm back where I started.
Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to climb up a spiral slide that is covered in grease; sometimes there is a rope to help me with my struggle upward, sometimes the rope is just out of reach and other times it disappears completely. Or that I have this invisible switch in my head that detonates when I'm starting to do better, so that I'm plunged back into the darkness and self-loathing of before.
I really want to get better. To stop relying on mum and hubby to do the majority of things around the house and for the kids. Then this veil of guilt I am suffocating under might finally start to lift.
I just don't know how I am going to make the changes needed to achieve my goal.
I'm so up and down t the moment, it's like being on a horrible roller coaster - I want to get off now!
I'm going to try and write more on my blog, as it really does help to clear my head.
I've also found a new site (thanks to a wonderful friend over at I'm a sparkly unicorn!) called Time to Change.
Time to Change is all about encouraging people to talk about and challenge mental health stigma and discrimination. So I have taken the pledge.
I have no problem in sharing the ups and downs of my journey with depression. I just hope that more people will do the same. The more we talk and share the better! The hopefully people will start to understand more and change their out-dated beliefs and prejudices.
If you're a fellow sufferer, or know someone who suffers from mental illness, here's a big hug from me!
Things once again, have not being going very well.
It seems like I take one step forwards and five back. Every time I start to feel better, or more in control something happens and I'm back where I started.
Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to climb up a spiral slide that is covered in grease; sometimes there is a rope to help me with my struggle upward, sometimes the rope is just out of reach and other times it disappears completely. Or that I have this invisible switch in my head that detonates when I'm starting to do better, so that I'm plunged back into the darkness and self-loathing of before.
I really want to get better. To stop relying on mum and hubby to do the majority of things around the house and for the kids. Then this veil of guilt I am suffocating under might finally start to lift.
I just don't know how I am going to make the changes needed to achieve my goal.
I'm so up and down t the moment, it's like being on a horrible roller coaster - I want to get off now!
I'm going to try and write more on my blog, as it really does help to clear my head.
I've also found a new site (thanks to a wonderful friend over at I'm a sparkly unicorn!) called Time to Change.
Time to Change is all about encouraging people to talk about and challenge mental health stigma and discrimination. So I have taken the pledge.
I have no problem in sharing the ups and downs of my journey with depression. I just hope that more people will do the same. The more we talk and share the better! The hopefully people will start to understand more and change their out-dated beliefs and prejudices.
If you're a fellow sufferer, or know someone who suffers from mental illness, here's a big hug from me!
 |
| image from here |
Tuesday, 8 October 2013
R is for reading
Wow, it's been a really long time since I posted, again!
Things have been really up and down with my depression (and the PND) but things seem to be on the up, so I thought I'd come and see my very neglected blog!
One of the bad things still bothering me with my depression is the terrible insomnia! I don't seem to be able to sleep before 4am and have therefore not been able to take Little Man to school in the mornings, for which I've been feeling really bad and guilty that hubby has been doing this school run. (I did manage it today though, after only 2 hours sleep!! Keep your fingers crossed I can keep it up!)
Anywho, where was I going with this... insomnia, right. I'm not one of those people who can just lie in bed, I get bored and very frustrated! Instead, I have been spending many nights devouring books on my Kindle!
I absolutely LOVE reading! It calms me and allows me to escape my crazy world for a while.
I enjoy reading a wide range of genres, from rom-coms to historical fiction, modern murder mysteries to the classics. Depending on how I feel (I always read to match my mood!) I will pretty much try anything!
I have my favourite authors of course, whose books I can read over and over. Jane Austen, for example, is who I turn to when things are really bad. Her novels are my comfort, her characters like old friends who I rely on to make me feel better, even for a little while!
What has been really great for me during my bad insomnia, is the fact that Kindle has hundreds of books to download for FREE!!! I now spend hours downloading books to pass the long hours awake! I've found new authors and genres that I wouldn't have tried ordinarily, if it weren't for the fact that they are free and if I really don't like them, then I can just delete them and find something else!
In the last couple of months I have read 28 books! I have now added the following to my 'have to read / can't wait to get another of their books list'
Mande Matthews - Norse fantasy writer
Eva Pohler - fantasy involving the Gods
Robert E. Keller - fantasy writer
Ethan Spier - science fiction thriller
Jean Webster - classics
Grimm brothers - fairy tales
Charlotte Bronte - classics
Anne Radcliffe - classics
M.G. Lewis - classics
Heather Horrocks - rom-com / easy reads
Gail McMillan - rom-com / easy reads
Diana Dempsey - rom-com / easy reads
Piper Shelly - rom-com / easy reads
Courtney Rice Gager - rom-com / easy reads
Veronica Henry - rom-com / easy reads
Christmas and birthdays will be vouchers, vouchers, vouchers from now on ;-)
Things have been really up and down with my depression (and the PND) but things seem to be on the up, so I thought I'd come and see my very neglected blog!
One of the bad things still bothering me with my depression is the terrible insomnia! I don't seem to be able to sleep before 4am and have therefore not been able to take Little Man to school in the mornings, for which I've been feeling really bad and guilty that hubby has been doing this school run. (I did manage it today though, after only 2 hours sleep!! Keep your fingers crossed I can keep it up!)
Anywho, where was I going with this... insomnia, right. I'm not one of those people who can just lie in bed, I get bored and very frustrated! Instead, I have been spending many nights devouring books on my Kindle!
I absolutely LOVE reading! It calms me and allows me to escape my crazy world for a while.
I enjoy reading a wide range of genres, from rom-coms to historical fiction, modern murder mysteries to the classics. Depending on how I feel (I always read to match my mood!) I will pretty much try anything!
I have my favourite authors of course, whose books I can read over and over. Jane Austen, for example, is who I turn to when things are really bad. Her novels are my comfort, her characters like old friends who I rely on to make me feel better, even for a little while!
What has been really great for me during my bad insomnia, is the fact that Kindle has hundreds of books to download for FREE!!! I now spend hours downloading books to pass the long hours awake! I've found new authors and genres that I wouldn't have tried ordinarily, if it weren't for the fact that they are free and if I really don't like them, then I can just delete them and find something else!
In the last couple of months I have read 28 books! I have now added the following to my 'have to read / can't wait to get another of their books list'
Mande Matthews - Norse fantasy writer
Eva Pohler - fantasy involving the Gods
 |
| image from here |
Ethan Spier - science fiction thriller
Jean Webster - classics
Grimm brothers - fairy tales
Charlotte Bronte - classics
Anne Radcliffe - classics
M.G. Lewis - classics
Heather Horrocks - rom-com / easy reads
Gail McMillan - rom-com / easy reads
Diana Dempsey - rom-com / easy reads
Piper Shelly - rom-com / easy reads
Courtney Rice Gager - rom-com / easy reads
Veronica Henry - rom-com / easy reads
Christmas and birthdays will be vouchers, vouchers, vouchers from now on ;-)
Sunday, 11 August 2013
Dear Little Man...
Dear little man,
Well, I can't believe it, but another year has flown by and you are now 4!
A lot of things have changed over this year, here are just a few highlights I can remember at the moment (my memory isn't as good as it was!)
You've had a brilliant year at Pied Piper Pre-school! I still can't believe you were there a whole year!
You've had lovely teachers helping you to grow and progress. Some of the favourite things I have enjoyed were watching you be a shepherd in the Nativity, going on school trips with you to see the lambs at Rushall Farm in the spring and Beale Park in the summer and watching you in Sports Day!
You made some lovely friends and went to your first birthday parties this summer for Ellie (ice skating) and Georgia (disco).
From what you tell me, your favourite things have been playing with the play doh, playing with the cars and train sets and playing in the garden.
We all had great fun with the play sacks that you bought home, but the best by far was when Benjamin Bear came to stay the weekend:
We've had lots of fun this year with mummy's friends - going to each other's houses every Weds for lunch and play session with Jack, Matilda and Sara. With a few outings to the Lakes and 4 Kingdoms
Also going out or having fun with your other friends Rosie and Skye! We've had some fun in the garden, a swim session and lots of trips to the Lakes!
I guess the biggest change this year has been the arrival of your baby sister back in January. You are an amazing big brother and adore Sienna already!
You love playing with her, giving her cuddles and singing to her if she's crying.
Also Unkie Sy got married and you were the page boy and daddy was one of the best men
It really has been a wonderful year!
Well, I can't believe it, but another year has flown by and you are now 4!
A lot of things have changed over this year, here are just a few highlights I can remember at the moment (my memory isn't as good as it was!)
You've had a brilliant year at Pied Piper Pre-school! I still can't believe you were there a whole year!
You've had lovely teachers helping you to grow and progress. Some of the favourite things I have enjoyed were watching you be a shepherd in the Nativity, going on school trips with you to see the lambs at Rushall Farm in the spring and Beale Park in the summer and watching you in Sports Day!
You made some lovely friends and went to your first birthday parties this summer for Ellie (ice skating) and Georgia (disco).
From what you tell me, your favourite things have been playing with the play doh, playing with the cars and train sets and playing in the garden.
We all had great fun with the play sacks that you bought home, but the best by far was when Benjamin Bear came to stay the weekend:
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| You and Benjamin after a long day! |
 |
| playing dress-up |
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| 4 kingdoms - on the slide |
 |
| saying hello to the animals |
Also going out or having fun with your other friends Rosie and Skye! We've had some fun in the garden, a swim session and lots of trips to the Lakes!
 |
| with daddy, Skye, Ems and Dave feeding the ducks |
I guess the biggest change this year has been the arrival of your baby sister back in January. You are an amazing big brother and adore Sienna already!
You love playing with her, giving her cuddles and singing to her if she's crying.
 |
| when she was a new baby |
 |
| at Skye's birthday |
Also Unkie Sy got married and you were the page boy and daddy was one of the best men
It really has been a wonderful year!
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