Wednesday, 21 September 2011

I'm stronger than I thought!

There have been a few things in the past week that have come along to really test how well I can keep on top of my depression.

To start with there was a big AGM meeting at work on Saturday. I left the hour long meeting feeling very anxious, as there was now a very long list of things that I don't know how to do or get wrong when I try. Added to that I managed to pick up a bug, missing my shift as I spent the whole of Sunday shivering in bed!
The anxiety rocketed as me and my 'negative' thoughts really went to town on making me feel insecure and dread going to work, as I was sure I would do something wrong and get fired!! Hubby and mum tried their best to make me see reason, I've only been there for 2 weeks - I need to give myself a break! Luckily I managed to listen and went back to work on Monday, even though was then boiling and feeling sick!! What has amazed me the most is that I gave myself a break! I stopped the negative thoughts and tried to cut down the 'what if...' thoughts that were running on a loop through my mind! I have never been able to do that before! Even though I had a few tears and was so ready to give in to the negativity as usual, something managed to fight back and turn the corner :)

Test 2 came today. Sadly my grandad (dad's dad) passed away a few months ago. What is worse is that he had stopped talking to my family, again. He was not an easy man to get on with, having stopped speaking to us 2 days before I got married (7 years ago) - he had wanted my mum to travel a 2 hour trip to get him and his wife from London on the morning of the wedding. We had explained that me and mum had the table decorations to set up (we did our own to save money) so we couldn't do that,  he wouldn't have it, said some horrible things and cut us all off. We sent him a big box of things from the wedding and lots of pictures, but nothing. A few years later he got in touch as his wife P was dying. (she and mum had been secretly writing!!) so we visited her in hospital and Grandad went mental - saying we would be arrested if we tried to attend the funeral! Someone must have had a word, as he eventually let us go. Things started to be a little better and when I had little man 2 years ago, things were right back to normal :) However, over an argument with my mum last year, (over printing of some pictures of little man - or something equally trivial) he again cut the whole family off. Mum  kept writing and letting him know what was going on with us all, but never got anywhere. I gave up trying to phone as got the phone slammed down on me. I never found out why my brother, dad and I were all cast aside as well, as he passed away. It was such a shame that he held on to some unfathomable prejudices the way he did. I found out that dad had never been wanted and had not once been told that he was loved - which I thought was awful.
Anyway, today we got a phone call from Grandad's neighbour, who is executor of the will. Little man has been left £10,000 and my brother is down to get something too. Leaving me and dad with absolutely nothing. Surprisingly, I really don't seem to care as much as I thought I would. I thought this would be another devastating event, which would magnify my already slightly wobbly control over my depression. However, I just feel clam acceptance. Obviously he hated me and dad and wanted to make sure we knew that, by this final show! Maybe he wanted me and dad to resent the fact that we got nothing - but neither of us do! I'm so relieved that little man has some money to help him have a good start to whatever he wants to do when he's older. I'm also really happy for my brother, who has been made redundant too many times and deserves something nice to happen for once!

So I'm left feeling slightly shocked by my control over my depression this week! Two things that normally could push me way over the edge and although I've definitely wobbled, I haven't fallen :)

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