What a difference a day makes!

Last night was another nightmare with Sienna. I didn't manage to do any of the feeds, mum did the 2 am one and hubby the 5.30 am one. I just lay on the bed sobbing and wishing that I was dead.
That's the worst thing about depression, the guilt. I feel terrible that I have to rely on family to do the things that I should be doing. I should be able to feed Sienna at any time, day or night. Every time I mention these feelings to mum and hubby, they just shrug it off. I don't think they really understand how bad it makes me feel, to be so useless and such a burden to everyone!
 Add to this, my horrible dreams have started to resurface again, I am once again haunted by my 'man in black'. He is the manifestation of my depression. A seemingly gorgeous, loving ex-boyfriend, who realises he has made a mistake and is sorry and wants me back. He professes everlasting love for all bystanders to see, but only I know that under that facade lurks an evil that wants to destroy me completely. So far, he has thrown me down stairs, pushed me out of a third storey window, hit and punched me, stabbed me and shot me in numerous dreams over the years. Only when I am starting to gain control of my depression again, do I manage to stand up to him and occasionally kick his arse!
Well, as of this afternoon, there's going to be a change in my dreams, it's time for me to kick arse again!

My hubby is amazing and after crying last night that I never do anything and that my existence is pointless, he only went and booked cinema tickets for me and mum to go and watch Les Miserable this afternoon (not his cup of tea, else I'm sure he would have come with me instead).
It was so brilliant and had the same effect that watching Eat, Love, Pray starting Julia Roberts had on me, funnily enough at another time when my depression was bad! It has just given me perspective and made everything seem so clear.
I am going to fight harder and not give up! I have made new plans that I want to achieve this year. I have decided that I want to learn to sew properly (to make clothes for me and my family) and to find a rewarding volunteer job, that would boost my rock-bottom self-esteem. At the moment, the idea of being responsible for anything fills me with dread - I don't think I will be any good at any job out there.

It doesn't help either, that every winter I get so ill (one bug after another, even with the flu jab!) that my depression goes 'ping' and I spiral into more illness. I then end up having so much time off work, that I know people see me as unreliable and probably wish they had never hired me. I hate letting people down all the time.
It also leaves me thinking that if I were to start looking for paid work again, who would want me? I wouldn't want to have someone working for me who is unreliable.Who has such a rubbish immune system, that they catch every bug and then are unable to tell you if they are going to be back at work in a day or a week, as their depression has kicked off as well.
I think I need some professional advice. Will have to get googling! Or, if you have any ideas, please share!
I'll keep you posted on how I'm doing, but I hope that watching Les Mis is the turning point I have been looking for.

Life is really hard at them moment

My depression is really not coping any more :(
Since the last few months of being pregnant, I have hardly had a good nights sleep and now that Sienna has joined us, it has got even worse.
For the first couple of weeks, when hubby was with me, it wasn't too bad and we were just about coping sharing the night feeds and changing her nappy, etc.  However, now that he's back at work (permanent night shift) I managed a few nights with the help of my mum, but now my depression seems to have decided that enough is enough and has gone 'ping'. My body seems to have an 'off' switch when it thinks that everything is too much, it shuts down and all I can do is sleep. I just can't cope with night feeds any more. I can manage up to about 3 am, but then the next feeds at around 4 and 8, I just can't manage at all :'( mum has been brilliant helping me and so has hubby, but I'm left feeling so guilty and worse about myself and how useless I am! I'm so exhausted that I struggle to get up and out of bed before 12, I have been in my jammies for the past 2-3 days as well! When hubby took the kiddies away for the day yesterday to give me a break, all I managed to do was sleep all day long :'(
My bad thoughts and worthless feeling have been growing rapidly lately. We are struggling for money, as hubby is the only one working at the moment, where I had to quit my job because of the problems I had during pregnancy. I think I'm in a really bad place at the moment, as whilst trying to think of ideas to help us make / save money, I considered suicide as a way of saving money - one less mouth to feed!
My family are all struggling with their own tiredness and depression (we all have depression in this house! Me, mum, dad and hubby!!) though mine is chemical, dad's issue based and mum and hubby more to do with the stress and situations going on at the moment. Poor hubby was in tears earlier, he hardly ever cries :( I just want to get back to being 'me' - I feel so lost and sad, bursting into tears at absolutely nothing.
The Health Visitor saw us on Thursday and suggested that I have my antidepressants upped from 30 to 40 for a while. I think that this might be a good idea, as I really need help.
On the plus side, when I am up during the day, I am managing to do quite a bit more than I did when I was pregnant! I can play with Aiden, sort Sienna's feeds and nappy changes, make lunch, help a little with the washing and dishwasher. I just wish I could do more!

I have one happy thing to share, a gorgeous family piccie, taken by my lovely friend Emerald:

Lets hope that I can get back to being more 'me' really soon!

My lovely family

As promised here are some piccies of my lovely little baby girl!

Sienna Mollie, the day she was born

having a lovely cuddle in hospital

my perfect family : )

wearing her first little outfit

So there you have my lovely little family!

I have also made a decision that I am going to start using peoples 'proper' names now. I have no idea why I've decided to change, but it feels right!

The only people it really affects is little man (Aiden) and hubby (Dean) - so you know who I'm talking about ; )

Baby finally arrived!

Happy 2013! (I know only a tad late!!)

Oh wow, it really has been ages since I last blogged!!

Well, things have really changed around here now! Baby has finally arrived!
Sienna Mollie finally arrived on the 6th January, at 9:48am weighing 7lbs 12 1/2oz  : )
A girl, when all of hubby's family are boys!!
I managed a completely natural delivery, though only had gas and air!! I remember begging at one stage for some pethadine, only to be told that there wasn't time : (
She flew out! Established labour was only 5 hours, 10 hours from start to end : )
We also managed to raise £141 for the special baby unit, from our guess the name (Jamie or Sienna) and weight baby would be. It was even sweeter, as I guessed girl and all of hubby's family laughed at me and guessed boy - but I was right!! Heehee!

Little man absolutely adores her already - he sings to her, reads her stories, comforts her with 'shhh' and 'it's alright darling' if she gets upset and shares her toys with her! We've been really lucky!
We had a lovely first week home, just family and us, to help us all adjust to our new baby.
Hubby is now back at work, so mum is helping me with the night feeds - I am just so tired at the moment, but I know that it's normal!

Unfortunately I managed to get infected stitches (only 3 stitches this time, whereas I had 40 with Little man, and they got infected too!) and I also got really swollen legs, which I had to have checked at hospital, as they thought I might have DVT, thankfully I don't! I think that it's water retention, as I wake up after a sleep soaking wet : ( Things are on the mend though, so hopefully I'll be pain free before long : )

Life is starting to settle down now and I hope that we will have a nice little routine sorted before long!
Then I can start back at card making and maybe making some bags and get my little business sorted out this year! I have also decided to try and look for some part time work from around Easter time, giving me plenty of time to spend with my gorgeous little kids!
Sienna will now be my 'Little Miss' in future posts now : )

Pictures to follow : )

I am sooo proud of my hubby!

Today was a huge achievement for hubby! He finally went to the doctors and asked for some help!
It's not been easy for us the last few years, poor hubby has had to deal with -
moving in with my parents,
me leaving my well paid teaching job, followed by leaving waitress job due to my depression (and pregnancy!)
me being pregnant - am 36 weeks tomorrow, so we are nearly there! However, this has by no means been an easy pregnancy! I've had bleeds, gestational diabetes diagnosed, my depression has been horrendous, I'm exhausted all the time and have sciatica now too!!
our little man, now 3 and gorgeous, but can be extremely hard work, tiring, and has a way of getting on hubby's last nerve, (sometimes deliberately but not always!)
he also hates his job!
I've been trying to talk to him about his temper - he has been loosing it at any tiny little thing lately and occasionally scares me with his over-reaction to what little man has done / is doing that annoys him.
Having had depression myself for 13 years, I think it has helped me to see the early warning signs that he is struggling (and I don't blame him frankly, life's not easy at the moment!) so I've been trying to get him to go and talk to the doctor and get some help, for quite a while now.
Well, today he went and told the doctor that basically everything at the moment is really p***ing him off!! The doctor was brilliant and said he had done an amazing thing in admitting this and coming to get help! He's now on anti-depressants for the next 3 weeks to see how he goes!
I am so so so so so so proud of him for being so brave and getting the help he so needed!
I love him so so so much and am going to be there for him every step of the way!
Just wanted to share with you all :)

Making plans...failure!!

So there I was with my last post Making Plans, all ready with my big plan of jobs to try and help mum and hubby around the house more, and help me feel a little less useless and guilty, the result... pants!
My body and baby bump seem to have other ideas about how I should be spending my time!

Firstly, I came down with an evil cold and cough that lasted about 3 days (I even managed to go through a whole box of tissues in less than one day!) and left me completely exhausted!

On Saturday, my body decided I needed something else to add to my list, and I started the morning coughing up blood! I spent 3 hours waiting at our out of hours docs (WestCall) in the hospital, to be told I have a virus! I was actually really glad and relieved that it wasn't something more dreadful!!

Then a couple of nights ago I developed a searing pain running down my left side - starting from my hip and going mainly up my back. I think it's a trapped nerve (sciatica is that the right word??) This has left me in loads of pain, and not able to get a good nights sleep :( Some of my family think that the baby might be squishing a nerve or something??

So there we have it, baby and body seem intent on slowing me down even more - though I don't know how that is possible, heehee!

Oh, to end with a plus, I have managed to take or pick up Little Man from Pre-school every day this week, so not a total disaster ;)

Making plans

I'm really good at this!
I have numerous lists of things that I need to do, or want to do all neatly written down in my notebook (I LOVE my notebook, I use it to remember everything!! At the moment, baby brain is so bad I have no other option, heehee!)
However, a lot of the time, my lists of things to do remains just that, a list!
(though I must just say, my list of pressies to buy for x-mas is all crossed off!!)

So, I have been doing lots of thinking, as insomnia is really bad with the big bump and toilet trips in the night, so I have plenty of thinking time ;) and I have decided to try and have days to do certain things.
At the moment, where I am just sooo tired, I can't guarantee what kind of day I'm going to be having, so until the baby arrives, I'm going to have weekend and weekday jobs ;)

During the week I am planning to:
Fill the dishwasher every night
Make cards (especially x-mas ones at the moment, as I haven't started them yet and I want to make most of my close friends and family cards this year!)
Clean the downstairs toilet and basin
Try and hoover upstairs and downstairs (though probably not the same day, as it leaves me sooo knackered, heehee!)
Pick up Little man from Pre-School (with so little sleep at the moment, I just can't get up in time to take him :(  )
Have lots of play time and fun with Little man!!

Then during the weekend I  want to:
Clean the bathroom toilet and basin
Do some baking with Little man - cakes or biscuits for lunches and snacks during the week. Today we are going to make Shrewsbury biscuits :)
Have some family fun! Some special time with hubby :)
Write a blog - as I find it really therapeutic (after all, that was why I started blogging!!) and catch up with the other blogs that I don't get sent through e-mails.

So there you have my 'ultimate plan' - I'll let you know next week how I'm doing ;)